Encompass
by restfulsky5
Summary: After an encounter with his Tarsus past, Jim is bombarded by even more of his dark history and struggles with the repercussions. In order to have a lasting relationship with the woman he loves, Carol Marcus, he must finally confront all that has made him the man he is. A follow-up to Escape Artist.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek.

Author's Note:

The story has been revamped but the focus (Jim and Carol) has remained the same. Like before, this correlates with my first fic, Escape Artist. As far as timeline, Encompass begins about two weeks after Escape Artist ends-Jim is recuperating from his run-in with Kodos. Thus, expect a lot of hurt/comfort. Updates will be slower than they've been with my other fics- about once a week. It *might* be a good idea to read Escape Artist before this one but its not completely necessary. Thanks for reading!

A MILLION THANKS to DLB48, Amazing Beta Reader A.K.A. Miracle Worker!

* * *

"Bones, what was I thinking?"

Captain James T. Kirk had saved Earth- twice- and probably the universe as he knew it. He had died, only then to be resurrected. He'd fearlessly faced Klingons, Romulans, and countless other alien species. Despite those heroics, as he sprawled lazily on the couch in his quarters, he mulled over the fact that he was absolutely terrified. Terrified that for the first time ever he was interested in a woman who was interested in him in a way that he had never experienced before. Not only interested, but they were dating, and dating exclusively.

He never dated exclusively. No one ever approached him about dating in that sense. He never wished to date only one woman. It was a foreign concept to him until Carol Marcus found her way into his heart. It began slowly enough during the year after Khan had threatened and picked up pace the past five months, until it completely overcame him a mere two weeks ago.

Carol wasn't a random woman he'd picked up at a bar this time. She was, in Jim's opinion, one of the most intelligent crew members on the Enterprise. Strangely, that fact alone scared him at the moment. He was still recuperating from a day of concentrated torture at the hands of Section 31 agents and Kodos. To Jim's chagrin, his mental capacity was presently fair at best. He attempted to play Spock at chess only yesterday and lost miserably. It was still an enjoyable game but the fact he could not keep up as he normally could now irritated him.

"Jimmy, you're thinking with your heart for once." Bones was a flurry of activity around him, prepping hypos, getting a drink of water to set on Jim's coffee table, and another pillow.

"I don't believe that I was thinking at all," Jim sighed.

"Still struggling with that?"

Jim shrugged his answer and leaned back into the pillow Bones had brought over.

"Here, kid," Bones handed him pills and water. "You know those therapy sessions will help."

Jim barely tolerated the medically prescribed psychology sessions. They were necessary but utterly painful and depressing.

Bones frowned at him.

Jim had not meant to speak the last sentence aloud.

"Jimmy." Bones sat beside him. "It'll get better."

"How many more do I have to have?"

"A few."

"How many?" Jim peered at Bones suspiciously.

"At least two more months per the admiral's orders. Maybe more now that I know they not getting you anywhere yet."

"No way." Jim winced at the thought of sitting through two more months with a shrink. Deep down he knew he should also share with the doctor that the nightmares plagued him. Still, he reasoned, Bones already knew, so why bother? He'd stepped inside Jim's quarters enough times in the morning and late hours of the night to understand the reason behind his bleary, dark-circled eyes.

Jim thought of sharing that with Carol, too, but quickly determined it was too personal for their recent, fledging relationship.

Or, maybe it was one more distasteful thing about himself that he refused to share with the woman for whom he had wonderful, but frightening, feelings.

"It doesn't mean that you won't be approved for duty before you're finished with the sessions. Your feet are healing, your pain is diminishing, and you're only limping. You've regained your strength," Bones hesitated. Jim recognized that look and steeled himself. "What are they about, Jim?"

"Tarsus." Jim barely whispered, squeezing his eyes shut at the very word.

"Anything else?"

Jim hated when Bones dug for more information. It wasn't that often he did that but when he did, he almost never backed down.

"Jimmy."

"Carol," Jim forced himself to reply. After hearing Bones' sigh, Jim opened his eyes and looked at him warily. "I know what you're thinking. Don't even think about suggesting it."

"It may help."

"No."

"If you want this to work with Dr. Marcus, you need to be more open with her. She won't take your crap."

"I really don't care to tell the woman I've barely started dating that I've been having nightmares about her, Bones." Jim said, disgusted with himself. "In every single one, she's either taken prisoner by Kodos, starving, or she dies."

"I'm sorry, Jim." Bones placed a hand on his knee and squeezed it. "I can give you a sedative to help you sleep tonight if you want. I can also talk to your therapist specifically about this and see how she wishes to proceed.

"You're giving me the option?" Jim was shocked. He expected Bones to want to move in and watch his every move like usual.

"You're a big boy and I think you know you that you need to include Carol into your life more than you have."

"I see." Jim narrowed his eyes as he followed Bones' reasoning.

"Do you?" Bones shrugged.

"It's a win-win for you."

"You bet, Jimmy," Bones smirked but then softened his face. Jim swallowed back his panic as Bones continued with his own assessment of his behavior. "Listen, it's been a little over two weeks since you were tortured and drugged, yet you've avoided spending any good length of time with her. You're lucky you've been in either physical therapy or psychotherapy so often and she doesn't realize what you're doing. Are you purposely trying to get her to not like you anymore?"

Was he? Maybe.

His face revealed as much and Bones scowled at him.

"Don't you dare mess this up, Jim."

"I'm trying not to."

"Try harder. Maybe you two should finally go on that date you proposed."

"I'm limping," he frowned at Bones. "I'd rather not limp to her door and limp escorting her to the dining hall."

"That's what's holding you back? You're doing so well, it'll disappear this week most likely."

"I feel stupid."

"You're hardly sleeping, so I understand that your mind's fatigued, Jimmy," Bones stood up. "Listen, think it over tonight. Challenge Spock to another chess game, first. It may help."

"Doubt it," Jim scowled at his meddling friend.

"Losing one chess game doesn't reduce your I.Q." Bones went to the door and looked back. "I'm sending Spock in here at 1800 hours, Jim. Like it or not."

"I lost by a mile."

"That's still pretty damn good. Who else could only lose by a mile when up against Spock?"

"Dr. Marcus could possibly beat him," Jim said dryly. "I guarantee she'd give him a good match."

"Jimmy, I think you're feeling insecure."

"So what if I am?"

"She'll sense that about you if she hasn't already." Bones shook his head. "At any rate, I will keep reminding you that you need to-"

"Talk to her," Jim rolled his eyes. "I get it. I do. I just don't know how I'm supposed to do that."

"She's not your mom."

Jim winced as Bones crept into his thoughts.

"She's also not like the women you've dated briefly or slept with Jim."

"I know," he said quietly. "Don't think I don't know that, Bones."

"Then act like you want to have her in your life, Jim."

"How do I do that? I don't know how!"

"Invite her over for dinner?"

"That's a lame first date, Bones. Lame." Actually, it wasn't that awful of an idea but Jim would be too comfortable. It would allow Carol to see him with his guard down.

"Share your secrets?"

Jim glared at him. "I've done enough sharing lately, don't you think?"

Because he had opened up about his traumatic past, his crew knew that he survived the Tarsus IV massacre. That bothered Jim a little.

Spock now knew the rest of his history almost as much as Bones did because of the mind melds they had shared. That only bothered Jim a little more. Jim knew the melds had been necessary to save his sanity and very life when he was under the influence of the psychotropic drug but he still resented the imparted knowledge of his violent and dreary past.

What was most worrisome was the thought of yet another, especially Carol, holding the same depth of knowledge.

"I know you've opened up with her but not deeply, yet. Jim, you don't have to solve this right now. Think it over. Maybe the chess game with Spock will help."

Bones was right but as his friend turned to leave, Jim's thoughts tumbled out.

"Bones, if I do that, if I talk with her about, well, anything, I may scare her off. She may already be scared off for all I know. I don't want to screw this up with her. I like her. A lot. More than any other woman I've ever known." Jim rambled, running his hands through his hair and averting his eyes. "How could I not? She's smart, she's beautiful, she even snuck on this ship. We have that in common you know, sneaking on this ship. Go figure, right?"

Jim fidgeted with the blanket, laid it aside, and awkwardly arose from the couch.

"I mean, my sneaking on this ship was a lot less admirably done. A lot less. At least her credentials allowed her to word aboard the starship while I was a lowly cadet and didn't even have a bed to my name on the Enterprise and I was thrown off for mutiny and then I snuck on again and she was never thrown off, thank God for that, and never accused of mutiny because, as you know, we needed her with the torpedoes and all."

Jim limped from one end of the couch to the other, unable to keep his body still and his mouth shut. What he was saying hardly made sense to him. It wouldn't surprise Jim if Bones' quietness meant he'd left. Jim didn't dare look up yet to find out.

"So, maybe I was just a stowaway and she...well...that's not the point. As I was saying, I like Carol, even more than I thought I liked her two weeks ago. I can't stop thinking about her. I want to spend time with her. I want to pursue her like a...a...normal guy would, Bones, but I don't know how to pursue her and I want to do this right. Bones, I don't want to mess this up like I do everything else. She could leave. She could leave me, and Bones..."

Jim breathed deeply, practically smelling the strawberry lotion Carol wore as he talked about her. It was comforting but he wanted more than just the memory of the scent of her lotion.

"I don't want her to leave," Jim confessed. "Ever."

It was so quiet he thought Bones had left. He glanced up cautiously and saw Bones staring at him as if he were a stranger. Jim felt like one. He didn't know where all that came from. His heart pounded as he realized he'd just spilled his guts. Again.

He had to stop doing that.

He started pacing again.

"Jimmy, sit down for a minute."

"I can't." He was too nervous. How could he have blurted out that he never wanted Carol to leave? It sounded like he was interested in a longterm relationship with her. He was, but he didn't want the entire world to know. Bones wasn't the entire world but-

"Jim, relax."

Jim shook his head and kept walking, ignoring the tremendous ache which spread through his feet up to his ankles. It was only early afternoon but he'd pushed himself in therapy and should be resting. Instead, he kept limping and walking. If he sat, he'd think even harder about her.

He couldn't do that.

Carol was driving him crazy.

"You're muttering your thoughts, you know."

Jim jerked his head up. "What?"

"You don't want the world to know? Your feet hurt? Carol is driving you crazy?"

"How'd you know that?"

"Jim, will you just sit down?"

Jim looked across the room, where his couch was. He sighed. Limping painfully, he dragged himself over. Bones reached out a steady hand as he sunk down into the cushion.

Bones dropped Jim's comm on his lap.

"I'm not leaving until you ask her to come over for dinner tonight," Bones said firmly.

"But you just said that Spock is-"

"So, plan for a double date."

"Here? In my quarters? Are you nuts?"

"It'll be easier on you, kid," Bones said. "Look at the bright side, you could possibly hang out on the couch the entire time like your supposed to do tonight anyways."

Bones's voice rose and Jim took the hint.

"Fine."

"Don't be so excited about seeing your girlfriend," Bones rolled his eyes.

"I am excited," Jim muttered.

"If this is excitement then I'm definitely not sticking around for when you're unhappy."

"So leave."

"I can't, not until you talk to her," Bones sat down and shrugged. "I won't leave you alone like this."

"Fine." Jim opened his comm but stared at Bones. "Do you mind?"

"Not until I hear her say hello."

"I can't say hello if you're breathing down my neck, Bones."

Bones relaxed, arms resting behind his head and closed his eyes, something akin to a smile on his face.

"You never used to have problems before like this, calling a girl in front of me."

"Carol's not a girl," Jim said exasperatedly. Bones smirked more. "I mean...she is but...a woman...whatever. Can I have some privacy?"

"Sure thing, Jimmy," Bones jumped off the couch and headed towards the door once again. "I understand."

"Thank you."

"I understand you've fallen for her. Completely."

"Bones, stop." Jim knew where this was headed.

"Just stating the obvious. And I don't think you'll mess this up. You may appear flustered in her presence but that's normal for a man who is in lo-"

"Shut up," Jim growled. "We've not even gone on an official date yet."

"That's what makes this so perfectly normal for you. You never do things the way anyone else does things. Especially when it comes with women. Your feeling for Dr. Marcus are strong, Jim, and it doesn't matter at all if you even have a single date. Your feelings are here to stay. It's obvious and makes complete sense to me," Bones drawled. "Have fun playing chess."

Before Jim could form a coherent reply, the doctor sauntered out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: We have not reached a point of angst but one with a little hurt/comfort. It's fine with me...I've had a rough week and a half. I'm happy to post another chapter that's more lighthearted.

Thank you for each review, fav, and follow! I greatly appreciate them! Thank you, DLB48, for such faithful beta reading!

* * *

"What's this? The lovely Dr. Carol Marcus has a date tonight?"

"Date?" Carol swallowed. She was so stupid, wearing makeup and this one-shouldered blue top with the most complimentary pair of slacks she had, all to talk to her best friend. During off-duty hours, Carol wore no makeup and preferred basic tops with jeans. No wonder her attire provoked curiosity. "Why would you say that?"

"Oh, don't play innocent with me, Carol. I see you blushing right now. And you're probably even wearing perfume."

She wasn't wearing perfume but had kept it simple for Jim- eschewing perfume in favor of the strawberries and cream lotion that had clearly captivated Jim when she last wore it. She determined to understand one day why it enthralled him so.

"Really, it's not what you..."

The blonde woman on the PADD's screen looked suspiciously at Carol. "Who is it? I don't think anyone on the Enterprise is worthy of dating you, besides maybe Leonard."

"Well," stammered Carol, "Listen...maybe we should talk about this later."

She checked her hair in the mirror beside where she laid the PADD, trying to distract her best friend. They hadn't talked in ages. Well, months, except for an occasional message.

"I'll bug you all night if you don't give me some answers."

Carol had no doubt she would. She'd try to reach Carol on her comm all night and how embarrassing that would be on the double date Jim had planned for them. Carol could not do that to Jim. He'd shown dedication to their relationship by agreeing to those therapy sessions, knowing it was important to Carol to see him working towards his mental health.

Her friend wouldn't quit.

"Is this why I haven't heard from you the past couple of weeks?" She gasped. "It must be serious. This is not like you."

"It's nothing." Carol's face heated. "Um, maybe it is."

"Oh, sweetheart. It is, isn't it?" Carol almost winced at the intensity at the other woman's squeal. She would be lucky if that hadn't been heard through the walls of her quarters. "I need details. How much time do you have?"

"I don't have much time, really," Carol's heart thudded. "No, I don't have time. I should go."

"Remember, I will comm you all night," her friend said with dramatic flair.

Carol sighed. She'd give enough information to satisfy her. A couple characteristics would even throw her off Jim's trail.

"He's intelligent, handsome, sweet, funny, and a bit reckless."

"I like all that except the reckless part." Her friend frowned. "What do you mean?"

"He..." Carol thought quickly, hoping to perhaps offer a clue but not reveal Jim's identity. Her friend held a small bit of animosity towards him that had not abated since she'd left the Enterprise for different work several years earlier. Carol planned to gradually break the news. "...loves adventure."

"What guy doesn't?"

"He loves adventure more than most," Carol shrugged. "Anyways, that's all I can say. I'll talk to you later, Christine."

"Wait. Carol-"

"Bye," she said brightly to Christine and cut the connection. Carol stood, smoothed her clothing, checked her hair one more time before heading out to Jim's quarters. She'd been beside herself with anticipation the entire afternoon and had contacted Christine in an attempt to distract herself.

She walked slowly in the corridor, remembering Jim's hesitancy as he finally planned their first date, asking her midday for that very night. It seemed very much like the captain to be so impulsive but his shyness on the phone was different- and sweet.

Carol hardly minded the impulsiveness. The last minute planning seemed true to his nature and Carol liked that about the captain. Recalling how quickly he'd responded to Khan's attacks, she mused that she would have no complaints if he planned their date with his remarkable fast-thinking. Briefly the thought of her father's part in the atrocities crossed her mind, but she buried that quickly beneath more pleasant speculation of the upcoming evening.

She couldn't complain about the double-date set up either. She enjoyed Nyota's company and found the friendship and playful banter between Jim and Spock endearing and downright entertaining. The real Captain James T. Kirk was nothing like the stories she heard from everyone - friends, friends of friends, and even her father. He was so much more than she ever imagined.

Jim showed only his reckless and cocky side. Two short weeks earlier, Carol had glimpsed some of the depths of the dark and painful secrets he hid. Carol desperately wanted to know more than the little he had revealed, to understand what drove him to such extremes. Dispersed through that awful day she had witnessed snatches of a softer side to the man, a tenderness that caused her to smile to herself. Despite his struggle against the drug's violent effects, he'd been tender with her whenever possible.

The truth was that he had shown more care for her on that awful day than anyone else had in her entire life.

The tenderness was new even to her but maybe that was one of the reasons why she was drawn to Jim. She'd never seen such him so affectionate to any other female other than Dr. McCoy's daughter. Even his relationship with Lieutenant Uhura was mostly light-hearted and gently seasoned but not with this delicate concern. She reasoned this characteristic was reserved for special people in Jim's life. This truth was not lost on Carol.

Carol rang Jim's door, imagining it would take more than that incident to uncover his many sides and for them to grow more comfortable with each other. She willing to wait. Captain Kirk would be the most difficult man she'd ever attempted to have a relationship with and most certainly worth the effort.

She hoped he would begin by telling her this very evening why his eyes were blatantly dark-ringed and his skin pallor a shade lighter than usual.

"Carol," Jim looked at her from his doorway, his smile tired in its essence but honest.

He had not yet invited her to step into his quarters as if the actual thought had been displaced with the sight of her. She fought back her laughter. She couldn't help but think how adorable he was as he continued to stare at her. Selfishly, she relished the attention and allowed him to watch her for another moment. Soon, his smile widened and he bent over to kiss her mouth. It was a simple, chaste greeting which caused fluttering in her stomach and a strong desire for more.

"James," she said, not as clear and strong as she'd liked. He fortunately failed to notice the crack in her voice but resumed his position by the door, still staring at her with a smile. "Are you going to let me in?"

"What?" Jim's eyes widened. He looked at the door and back at his room. His smile turned into a flustered expression. "Oh, right...I'm...sorry."

He cleared his throat and ushered her into his quarters.

"It would be hard to have a date without you," he recovered nicely and resumed the same boyish grin. "And Uhura would never let me live it down."

"Will they be here soon?" Carol's eyes immediately were drawn to the candlelit table set for four. The captain's quarters were impressive, and even more so with Jim's tendency for cleanliness and neatness. She'd visited Jim several times in his quarters over the past two weeks but this was the first time she was able to relax as she took it all in.

"Soon," Jim took her hand and brought her over to the couch. Her eyes narrowed as she noticed his pronounced limp and difficulty. "We have about ten more minutes to ourselves."

"How are you feeling?"

"I knew you were going to ask me that," Jim lifted an eyebrow at her. "Between you and Bones, I'm covered."

"Your limp, James, it's aggravated," she said candidly, half-expecting him to deny the obvious.

He shrugged. "It was a particularly challenging therapy session and then I walked too much when I returned to my quarters."

"Doesn't Dr. McCoy remain with you after those sessions for awhile?"

"Yes, he does. You're very observant."

"If he was here, why didn't you he tell you to remain off your feet?" Carol very well knew McCoy did tell Jim just as she very well knew Jim did not listen to his doctor.

"I can't get away with anything, can I?" Jim grinned.

"James," she looked at him sideways, not appreciating his deflecting. "Why don't you listen?"

Jim looked away for a few seconds and then back at her, with that charming smile once again.

"Do you want the honest truth?"

"What is truth but honest?" She quipped back.

"You're hanging around Spock too much."

"You're avoiding my question."

"I was thinking about you and...some other things."

Carol didn't expect that but could tell Jim spoke in truth. His eyes grew serious. Her heart could not take more of his charm, and here he was able to charm her by merely answering a simple question honestly.

"You paced here in your quarters." She frowned, thinking of him thinking of her and hurting himself while he did it. "James, you shouldn't have done that."

"What? Think of you?" His deflecting returned and Carol was not amused.

"Not if it will set you back, Captain."

His tender grasping of her hand warmed her heart. It'd been only a day since she had held his hand but felt like much longer.

"From now on, whenever I think of you I'll sit in my command chair so I can be buckled in."

"I wouldn't go that far." She helplessly succumbed to his humor and smiled.

"I may have to. A very smart and gorgeous woman told me that I can't afford a set back."

"I don't know why I believed the rumors about you," she said softly.

"I know why you did. They're true," he shrugged. "Most of them, anyways."

"But they aren't who you are, James."

"Unfortunately, some are," he furrowed his brow. "I'm so sorry I've such a disappointing past. Sometimes the present isn't any better."

"It's not perfect, but whose is?"

"Spock's," Jim said promptly then he frowned. "I take that back. Do you know about the time he almost killed me when I provoked him to show how emotionally compromised he was?"

It sounded awful and from anyone else a mistruth but coming from Jim Kirk it did not seem unreasonable. It seemed something quite troubling but meaningful to know.

"That sounds intense." She leaned forward and placed her other hand on top of his.

"I'm sorry I'm such an idiot. This probably is an inappropriate subject for our first date," Jim said, heaving himself off the couch and limping unsteadily to the replicator. Carol opened her mouth to protest his walking but he continued. "Would you like a drink?"

Jim looked up hesitantly as he held two glasses.

"What's wrong?" Carol asked softly.

He still hesitated but now his hand shook.

Concern overwhelmed her and she vacated her own spot on the couch to join him. His drawn face pinched with pain as she took the glasses from him and set them down on the nearby table. She chose her words carefully, wanting to show support rather than causing him to withdraw.

"Jim, would you like to go back and sit on the couch?"

He braced his arms on the table, eyes locked on hers as he leaned towards her. "Okay," he drew a shaky breath, "but first...I've...I've been... having nightmares, Carol."

As he swallowed nervously, she wondered how difficult it was for him to admit that to her.

"That's why you look so horrible."

"I love that you speak your mind."

"Will you speak yours?"

He cocked his head at her, brow furrowed and silent. Afraid that she overstepped her boundaries with him, she took a step back. He reached across and grabbed her arm gently.

"Please. Stay." His eyes were pleading. "I know I'm not good at this sharing stuff, but Bones warned me I better start doing that. I want to, I just don't know how."

She nodded, processing his words with what he had admitted about the nightmares.

"What are the nightmares about?"

"You," he whispered. His face had grown even paler. "Being harmed in some way by Kodos."

"I'm sorry," she breathed. On the tip of her tongue was a request for more about these nightmares, but she practiced caution and refrained. "That must be...horrible for you."

"It is," he admitted. "I don't know how to stop them. I go through phases like this. They're concentrated for a few months, getting so bad that I go without sleeping at all for days. Eventually, though, they'll stop and I won't have any nightmares for an even longer time."

"James, that's unacceptable. Months?" The poor man. Carol's heart thudded thinking of Jim so distressed. "You can't manage your responsibilities if you keep this up."

"Tell me about it," Jim said despondently and began to limp back towards the couch. "Bones left a stronger sedative here for me to use if I wish. I'm certain he'll mention this to my therapist although I don't know what good that will do."

"How many days have you not slept?" She hardened her voice, now proceeding with her instinct to press him.

He stretched out on the couch. As he rested his head against the back and looked at his ceiling, Carol was mystified by him even more and sat beside him, unafraid to watch him closely. His guard was down but Carol was certain Jim was not aware of that fact. It seemed natural.

"Three days," he grumbled. "I've gone longer, though."

"Why don't you let Dr. McCoy stay with you tonight?"

"You think I should?" Jim jerked his head up.

"Why wouldn't you? Hasn't he in the past?"

"When I have bouts like this?" Jim nodded. "Yes. Spock, too. He has the ability to calm them."

"Then let them help you."

"That's hard to do."

"Please, Jim, let them help you- tonight," she said, stressing the final word.

She hadn't meant for the command to gain so much of his attention nor cause such a moment of absolute silence. Jim's perplexed expression grew.

"I..." Jim began.

"Yes?"

"You're concerned."

"Very much so," she shook her head at his amazement over that fact. "Why wouldn't I be? You're my captain. You're also the man in my life."

"The man in your life...I am, aren't I?" Jim's grin was unabashedly cocky. She lifted an eyebrow at his smugness. "Lucky me."

The door chimed.

"Come," Jim called, not bothering to usher his other guests in. He grabbed two pills and water from the coffee table in front of him.

"You're in pain."

"Some," he shrugged before he swallowed the pills. "Don't worry. I'll talk with Spock."

"Thank you," she whispered before Spock and Uhura came any closer.

"Captain, we have strict orders to-"

"Keep me off my feet, right?" Jim stated simply as he interrupted Spock. "Bones is very predictable."

"As are you, Jim," Spock said.

"Well, here's something not very predictable," Jim shrugged. "Would you mind keeping me company tonight?"

Spock's frown was so discrete Carol could have imagined it but as she observed the first officer's reaction to Jim's question she realized his frown was as real as Jim's lazy confidence.

"You are experiencing difficulty sleeping."

"Yes."

"I would be happy-"

Jim rolled his eyes.

"-to oblige if it would benefit you, Captain."

"Great. Thank you, Spock. Let's eat."

All three of Jim's guests observed the difficulty he had putting weight on his left foot as he stood.

"Oh no, Captain." Carol grabbed his elbow. "You sit down. Change of plans. I love the candlelight but we'll join you here by the couch. Doctor's orders."

Carol literally pushed Jim back down on the couch, surprising herself. Instead of protesting as she'd expected, he merely grinned.

"We should do this every night," he said as Spock and Uhura quickly made their way past the captain to get their food.

"I wouldn't mind."

"But without my babysitters."

"If necessary, they should stay," she smirked, noting his wary glance towards the pair in the gathering their plates from the table. "He cares about your welfare."

"He does." Jim said quietly. "I appreciate it more all the time. In fact, I wouldn't have it any other way. Unfortunately, he and I didn't start off on the right foot."

"Are you speaking in reference to what you said earlier?"

"It...happened around the same time, yes," Jim grimaced.

"Oh." Realization dawned on Carol. "All I've heard is either speculation or the very basics from my father. I imagined there would be underlying issues but the chance that I'd learn about this..."

"From the very cadet who cheated?" Jim grinned.

"I have since withdrawn my accusation," Spock stated as he and Uhura brought over their dinner.

"He no longer hates me," Jim's whispered loudly to Carol as she sat down.

"He never did," Uhura said fondly. "He was confused by you."

"You challenge me, Captain."

"Not lately," grimaced Jim.

"You refer to our scheduled chess game tonight."

"No thanks to Bones," Jim muttered.

"If it is displeasing to you, Jim, we can postpone the game."

"Just so I can just get my ass whipped again another time like last night?" Jim took a bite of his food, and waved his clean fork at Spock. "No. Thank. You."

"You did not calculate your plays as you normally do, Captain. That is all."

Jim was not impressed by Spock's explanation. Carol relaxed and enjoyed the bantering. She shared a knowing look with Uhura.

"Really?" Jim said dryly. "It was pathetic and probably the least exciting game we ever played."

"I found it satisfactory." Spock's small smirk earned the brunt of Jim's glare.

"Of course you did. You won. Just wait. When I can actually manage to sleep..." Jim muttered and poked at his food.

"If Spock wouldn't mind, I could take your place tonight, Jim," Carol offered in the hopes that Jim's countenance would change. He appeared incredibly morose discussing his loss at chess. "I held my own on the chess club."

"Now there's an idea," Jim's expression brightened.

"I accept the challenge," Spock answered.

"You more than held your own, Carol." Jim grinned. "You were...what...champion several times? I'd love to see a game between the two of you."

"I was unaware of your expertise in the game, Dr. Marcus."

"Are you having second thoughts, Spock?" Jim settled back on the couch and observed the commander. "You seem a bit unsettled."

"I have accepted the challenge thus I shall fulfill our agreement."

"Maybe, but you're nervous."

"I am not anxious, Jim."

"You're looking even greener."

"Perhaps you shall play the winner, Captain?"

"Perhaps I should withdraw my accusation."

Carol couldn't help it. A small laugh escaped from her lips in delight at the exchange. Jim had perfected his ability provoke the commander while Spock's final, nonchalant remark showed his growing understanding of human humor.

"Wait until I tell Bones. Not only is she beautiful and smart, she laughs at my jokes." A satisfied smile lit Jim's face.

As she had anticipated, the date in Jim's quarters was off to a wonderful start with the promise of more to come.

She sighed contentedly, glanced at her happy captain, and basked in eager anticipation.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Pardon my two week absence. We are approaching the part in this story that requires a warning for various Tarsus issues, including eating habits and mention of violence. From this point on, things will intensify.

Thank you for following along. Your reviews are greatly appreciated! Many thanks to DLB48 for the beta assistance!

* * *

The chess game ended in a draw. Carol had never focused so much on a game in her life.

"Do you win often, Mr. Spock?" Carol sweetened her words, sparing a glance at Jim on the couch. He'd closed his eyes thirty minutes ago and his breath had evened less than a minute after. No one had been bothered by the captain's impromptu nap. In fact, Carol found it oddly comforting that he'd succumbed to his fatigue in her presence, despite this being their official first date. For the sake of his health, she preferred a well-rested Captain Kirk rather than the sleep-deprived one from the beginning of the evening.

"The captain and I are well-matched."

"Well then, it was an honor playing such an accomplished player."

"Should we wake him?" Uhura asked Carol.

"Let him sleep for awhile longer. I think he needs it."

"I never knew he would allow himself to fall asleep on a date. It is so unlike him. He must be very comfortable with you, Carol." Then Uhura frowned. "He really hasn't been sleeping, has he?"

"He told me he has not slept for three days."

Uhura sighed and looked at Spock. "He should have told you, you know."

"I have observed an increase in his fatigue. As is typical with the captain, he told me that he is fine, Nyota. He has difficulty asking for assistance. " Spock spared a glance at Jim as well. Carol tucked this information away. It confirmed her own thoughts about Jim for some time now: he frequently said he was 'fine' yet failed to ask for assistance when he needed it most.

"Carol, you were the influence behind his request for Spock to stay, weren't you?" Uhura smiled.

"Yes, I was."

"I'm happy you are in his life," Uhura softly said. "I wonder, was it because of your father that you joined Starfleet or was it something else?"

Carol could not reply immediately. That was a question which plagued her since her father's death. After many sleepless nights of her own debating her choices, Carol finally joined Starfleet for his approval. She soon realized it was not the way to establish a deeper relationship with him. It had taken the wind out of her sails but she buckled down and refused to give her father any reason to be disappointed in her.

It was not the act of joining. In fact, he had explicitly wished her not to join. With that, she'd poured herself into her studies and excelled, ignoring her father.

That is what finally gained his approval.

"Partly his influence, and then my own desire for attention led to a passion for excellence." Carol spoke candidly. "He was a difficult man to please."

"I see," Uhura nodded. "Your passion has gotten you far, Carol. It has gained the attention of a different man."

Nyota's observation stirred something in Carol's heart. She'd often suffered a deep melancholy for the emotional chasm she had with her father. They'd not bridged that distance while he was alive. However, if her experiences now gained Jim's attention, it would be worth it.

"I haven't seen the captain this happy since before Admiral Pike died," Uhura whispered.

"What do you mean?"

Since developing her feelings for Jim, Carol had often seen Jim in a pleasant mood, even laughing when with his crew. Nyota's comments made Carol pause. It had been over a year since Admiral Pike died. Uhura inferred that Jim and the admiral had been close. Carol had never realized this to be so but then again, the admiral had not been a part of any conversation she could recall ever having with Jim. She waited for an explanation but Uhura merely shook her head and wiped at her eyes quickly.

Jim stirred and lazily opened one eye. Carol smiled to herself at his sleepy expression and mussed hair.

"I didn't just fall asleep in the middle of our date, did I?"

"You did," Carol said softly,"but don't worry about it."

"I'm so sorry," he groaned, rubbing his face. "That's terrible."

"It's fine, Jim. You needed to rest."

"That's no excuse," he muttered, sitting up as Carol came beside him. "How embarrassing. Hey, who won?"

"Dr. Marcus and I were evenly matched." Spock stated. "I have not played such a satisfying game for some time now."

"Very funny, Spock," Jim snorted. He peered at Uhura carefully. "Uhura?"

"Don't mind me," Uhura sniffed. "I'm just happy."

"Happy?" Jim said in disbelief and looked to Spock in question. "You two are quite the pair of happiness, aren't you?"

"I'm happy for you, captain," said Uhura.

"Oh," Jim said in confusion. "I'm not sure I understand how that's possible, since you're crying. You are crying...because of me?"

"No, Captain," Uhura shook her head.

Jim forward purposefully. "Uhura," he pleaded.

"Captain," she sniffed again.

"Nyota, please don't cry or I'll stop being happy and cry, too," Jim huffed. "Will you at least tell me what I did? Please?"

"I don't think I-"

"Nyota."

She shook her head. Jim sighed in exasperation.

"Shall I make it an order, lieutenant?" He teased.

Uhura inhaled deeply. With a tentative glance at Jim, she continued. "Captain, I know you don't like to acknowledge this, but Admiral Pike's death affected you deeply. You haven't smiled like this since before he died. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen you this happy and lighthearted as you are in Carol's presence. Seeing you happy makes me happy."

As soon as Carol heard Jim's sharp breath at the admiral's name, she instinctively grabbed Jim's hand. His composure had almost shattered.

"I...shouldn't...have...I'm so sorry," Uhura apologized with unusually stilted speech.

"I miss him." Jim's mournful expression tore at Carol's heart.

"I know. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"It's okay, Nyota. I was the one who pushed." The unmistakable pain from loss on his face cued Carol that Admiral Pike had been so much more than merely Jim's commanding officer or even a mentor. Carol's heart pounded as Jim withdrew from them all in mere seconds. Even Jim's hand in hers had become limp.

"Jim," Spock called to him, but Jim had focused on an empty place before him. Anxiety rose within her as she watched the man she cared so deeply for in this dazed state. He remained this way until Spock stood and placed a hand on the captain's shoulder. Jim moved ever so slightly from the first officer's touch, his gaze awakening as he looked up at Spock.

"I miss him," Jim said again.

"I know, Jim." Spock's hand relaxed on Jim's shoulder.

"I was thinking of him earlier today, actually. That night in the bar, when he dared me to do better than my own father. Me, a guy who'd just been beaten senseless in a stupid bar fight. Every reply I gave to this Starfleet officer was filled with anger and sarcasm. You've told me, Spock, that I did do better than my father, but I don't believe it. There are times when I doubt everything I ever did." Regret filled Jim's eyes. "Including getting on that shuttle for new recruits that morning. What I do has only caused pain in the end."

"Jim, do not think that way." Spock's eyes were warm with compassion as he gazed at his captain.

"I wanted to make him proud. I wanted to make my father proud," he said brokenly.

"You have made both of them proud," Spock affirmed, but Jim shook his head in denial.

"I should've tried harder on Tarsus. I killed almost a dozen of Kodos' men. Maybe I should've brought the number up to at least two dozen." Jim scoffed. "Can you believe Pike broke up that fight just to recruit a man who'd become a killer at age thirteen?"

Carol's eyes widened at Jim's raw, open statement. Blood rushed to her head. Since realizing his connection to Tarsus, she'd imagined many things that may have happened to Jim or he might have done.

She knew he endured starvation but had no idea what he'd done to survive. She had seen some evidence of physical scars, though from what she was uncertain. The mental scars were probably even deeper and better hidden. She knew other facts: that he witnessed Kodos' order, risked his life to save numerous children from their deaths, and then was betrayed and handed over by one of the very children he rescued.

Nothing in her imagination matched the horror of killing guards when he was a mere child.

Carol heard Spock's rational voice attempting to calm his captain.

"You saved Kevin's life, Jim, and that of his brother and other innocent children. You prevented information from falling into the wrong hands."

As the name Kevin left Spock's lips, the implication of Jim's past hit Carol in the gut like a phaser. The pain she felt for all the times Jim had sacrificed himself was physical. Despite what her father had done, her childhood had been a mostly normal, happy one filled with love. Jim's childhood was filled with pain and loss. Jim's instincts as a mere teenager had saved Kevin Riley, but at what cost?

"I slaughtered those two guards who attacked the Rileys with a kitchen knife, Spock. A kitchen knife!" The anguish was apparent as he strangled the words out. Her impression of Jim from the beginning had been so wrong. More pieces fell into place, allowing her to understand even more about the man who'd stolen her heart.

"Jim, there was nothing else you could have done." Spock remained calm even while Jim shook his head violently.

"We watched the guards push their father off his very own balcony. That doesn't make me any better than Kodos' men, Spock."

Spock maintained his calm demeanor. "You did then what you needed to do and in fact, the only thing you could have done to rescue two innocent children. You forget that you were a child yourself."

Jim wrenched his shoulder from Spock's hand and stood. He backed away from them all. Carol's heart ached watching him erect the invisible and completely unnecessary barrier between them. Tears came to her eyes, grieving the chasm now between them. She'd experienced a similar chasm with her father. She knew it would only grow wider and deeper unless one of them made the first move to help Jim.

No child should have endured what Jim had, and here he was once again trying to shoulder the responsibility all by himself. Carol was certain that Kodos had stolen Jim's childhood with mere words, and who knows what else. How he managed to overcome this and become a Starfleet officer, she could not begin to even understand. He had, indeed, become captain and consequently accomplished multiple, remarkable things despite his past.

"It wasn't enough, Spock. I don't know how I failed to see that Memphis was so bitter. I should've known better than to leave them all alone like that. If I'd done what Ko-"

"No, Jim." Spock commanded sharply.

"They would've lived a better life."

"You cannot know that for certain."

"They could've." Carol's breath caught at the bitter light in Jim's eyes.

"Perhaps, but had you not interfered, Governor Kodos would have succeeded in killing every single person he had placed on his list. What you did prevented that victory."

"I know that, Spock, but it left a scar that those boys won't ever forget."

"What about your scars, Jim?"

"I can handle them, Spock."

"Can you?"

Jim flinched. In that moment, Carol finally realized how vulnerable the recent incident with Kodos had truly left him.

"Pike saw them, not as clear as you have now, but he knew about them. He pushed me to see beyond Kodos, my mother, Frank, and my anger. He didn't let me get away with...with anything. But...he's gone."

Jim's bitter expression swiftly changed to remorse. Carol watched in shock as his eyes filled with tears and fell down unheeded.

"Yes, the admiral is gone, but we, as your friends, are with you." Spock said softly.

Jim hesitated for a split second, almost stepping towards them again to break the barrier but just as quickly shook his head.

"You saw almost all of Tarsus, what I did and what happened to me. You know so much, but I wish you didn't, Spock," Jim choked back a sob. "I should be alone."

"Even if I had not gained that knowledge, you would not be alone."

"No, Spock," Jim shook his head firmly. "There is too much tragedy for anyone else to bear. I wouldn't have wanted it for Pike, either, although he fought to help me deal with Tarsus. I wish I had done better...with him. I owed him at least that, but I failed to realize it when he was alive. Now that he's gone...I can acknowledge what he meant to me. I'm reminded every...every day...even more so since two weeks ago."

"Jim, please." The words came from her heart, but Jim shook his head again, already denying her request. "Let us help you."

"Carol, I can't." He gazed at her with all the pain he withheld from them. She wished, for once, that Captain James T. Kirk wasn't so determined and stubborn. He was pushing away the very friends who longed to help him.

"Jim-"

Jim held up a hand. "Please Spock. I just..I...I need a minute..."

He left them, walking towards his bedroom, his stride broken by his limp and his heart leaving a trail of sadness. Jim's despairing words swirled around Carol's mind. She wanted to follow him but her body wouldn't budge. Somewhere she knew that this was her moment to show him how friends helped one another, but she froze and found herself incapable of comforting him.

The burden of his tormented past fell upon her and weighed her down. This was the man she cared deeply about, who before her eyes had chipped away at his own armor, this time to reveal deep regret and loss. She could not let Jim slip through her fingers as her father had. She did not want to lose this man who'd become such a part of her life and with whom she desired even more.

She could hardly breathe, she was so filled with sorrow at Jim's depth of emotion. Jim's pain burdened her because of the deep affection she now felt for him. Of course she'd not known details of what Jim endured during the Tarsus massacre but she had not even realized the extent of his relationship with the admiral.

He'd lost not one but two great men in his life- one a father and the other, perhaps a father as well. She surmised in her own paralyzing moment that perhaps he'd not been able to grieve as the others had, being in his coma and recovering from the irradiation. Their relationship had grown enough for her to realize Jim would deal with this as he very likely had dealt with every other pain in his past. He would shove aside what he hadn't dealt with and move on for the sake of others such as his crew. No wonder his pain flooded his heart and caused an overflow of emotion while he recuperated from another unfathomable experience- Jim was not at a place where he could process his thoughts properly.

Staring at the closed door, Carol made a decision. If Jim shoved things aside this time, Carol did not see how he could move on as he had. If she didn't support him, if she didn't show him that his friends were there to stay, no matter what his past included- it could be the final straw for Jim.

Given the relationship Spock and Uhura had with Jim, Carol glanced over at them before she made her move. Uhura's expression was a mixture of sadness and shock. Spock gave Carol an inscrutable nod.

He knew already what she planned to do. No doubt, he would go to Jim if she didn't.

"Excuse me." With a deep breath and steady resolve, Carol made her way to the man she loved.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: Sharing a story can be nerve wracking, especially one with more of a hurt/comfort nature. So THANK YOU to those who've reviewed, faved, and followed. DLB48, your beta reading has been such a tremendous help. Thank you!

One of the reasons I wrote this story was to "ground" or center Jim and Carol's relationship yet include McCoy and Spock in a way that seemed reasonable. Writing a story based on Jim & Carol is no small task. Believe me- this is my second time with this particular story and I've found it difficult to write AGAIN. Enjoyable to write but difficult, nonetheless.

Another POV will be coming up, just not this chapter. On a different note, I've been thinking of my next story, to follow Return to Riverside. Although it's not in the near future, I'm pondering the action/adventure and am quite excited to get to that next.

It's a day early for my posting schedule, but life has been a roller-coaster lately. Tonight seemed a better time to post. Enjoy the slow build to what's really going on with Jim!

* * *

Jim observed his reflection in the mirror, contemplating the mess he'd made of himself. The rings under his eyes were dark and ghastly. His red-rimmed eyes stared mockingly back, taunting him over and over that he, Captain James T. Kirk, had been unable to remain calm and collected in front of his date.

Two weeks after the incident with Kodos and Sloan and he wasn't looking any better. He wasn't feeling much better, either. His past had crashed down around him. He'd hardly had time to breathe or think that day. Now, as more time separated him from that incident, his thoughts were still disorganized. After dashing a little water over his face, what little good it would do him, he dried off with a towel and with his halting gait sprawled in the chair by his bed.

Numbly, he stared in front of him, unable to do anything else but allow the thoughts about Kodos, Kevin, and his mentor, Christopher Pike, to race uncontrollably through his mind. The memories of Pike taunted him most this evening, although earlier it had been Carol's fear that horrible day.

Jim's attitude should have provoked Pike to abandon him altogether but Pike stubbornly refused to let Jim slip through his fingers. He'd provided opportunities for Jim to change his behavior, brought Jim's anger down to a manageable level, and given him a father figure to respect and...love. Jim exhaled a strangled breath. His thoughts choked him as much as any word he could've spoken.

He hated that this date was going, so far, almost how he envisioned it. He'd failed to hide behind his usual facade of strength and exposed himself, unintentionally sharing a horrific piece of his past in the process.

In spite of his shame and embarrassment, relief washed over him that Carol now understood his relationship with Pike. Jim longed to keep her in his life. Pike had been a turning point. It was the sort of thing to be shared to earn trust.

Jim wanted to earn Carol's trust. He was afraid of doing the wrong thing or moving too fast with her. His thoughts slowed as he contemplated the beauty of her hair, confidence emanating from her eyes, and brilliant smile. Each time he saw her, he fought the overwhelming urge to touch her hair, slowly and purposefully. Although, if the right opportunity arose, he may not be able to resist. Jim had never known another woman whose eyes held so much fierce emotion. Her smile tripped his mind, causing him to lose track of what he was doing. In fact, he couldn't even begin to count how many times he'd caught himself distracted by her smile while on duty.

Sitting fairly comfortably except for his pained feet, Jim contemplated his options. He swept his feelings away to calculate those options with a logic that Spock would appreciate. Carol would certainly be worried and would seek him out. Unless, of course, she had flown from his quarters already, terrified that the man she dated hid more horrid secrets. Spock and Uhura would remain until they were certain of his well-being. Spock would return later, to assist if he experienced any difficulty sleeping with the sedative. Jim had left his comm in the other room, but he was sure there'd be a message from Bones waiting for him.

"James?"

He opened the door with his command. At first, she hesitantly entered, peering about for him in the dark.

He'd forgotten about the lights.

"Are you okay?"

"Lights at 20%." He'd make it dim. He looked horrible. "You're still here."

She tilted her head as her gaze found him still sprawled in his chair.

"I can't believe... you're here." After all he just said, the woman had stayed. The concern she showed confused him. "After what...Carol...I can't believe...you're here?"

"I'm still here. James. I'm so sorry," she said softly. Her eyes fluttered from his eyes and then around them. He could tell her perusal had found him out but he merely shrugged.

"I look miserable, don't I?"

"A little," she smiled.

"I'm tired."

"I know."

"My feet hurt."

"I know that, too. Do you want me to get Dr. McCoy for anything?"

For the fear of sounding too soft while the rest of him was falling apart Jim declined from saying yes.

"I'll be fine."

"James," she shook her head.

"Alright," he grumbled, wondering how she knew him so well already. "I don't think I can get up again."

"Maybe you should have sat on your bed instead of your chair."

"I hate my bed." It hated him at least.

"Your bed does not hate you."

"I muttered my thoughts again, didn't I? I did that earlier when Bones was here," he scowled. "I'm losing it."

"I don't think the chair will make a difference with the nightmares and I don't think you're losing it."

"Sit with me for awhile?"

"Sure." She gracefully came to him and sat on his lap. Holding her close like this on his lap, so quietly and tenderly, was nothing he'd experienced with any other woman before. She rested her head against his shoulder and he wished she would never leave. He loved having her with him. Her very presence did more for him than he ever imagined.

"I'm sorry I'm such a lousy date."

"So falling asleep isn't what you usually do?"

"I'm doing a lot of things tonight that I usually don't do." Like revealing his less than stellar past.

Carol sat up and touched his cheek. "It's okay. I've always thought a man's tears show how really strong he is."

"You're amazing," he breathed. He leaned forward and kissed her. "I will make this up to you."

"There's no need," she said before another kiss. "I've enjoyed myself."

"Without any help from me," Jim said with disgust.

"Don't worry," she teased, "Your reputation is still intact. I won't spread the word around that you fell asleep."

"I'd be ruined forever." The thought wasn't bad at all- he'd have Carol. He needed her discretion. Her lightheartedness after all that he said was healing.

"No, somehow you'd charm yourself back into the good graces of the women."

"I've no need to do all of that. I just need to charm one woman." He hesitantly stroked her hair, loving its softness the second it touched his fingers. It was even more luxurious than he'd imagined.

"You've done that already."

"Your hair...it's like light." It wasn't the most romantic thing Jim ever said but he meant it. "How do...how does it...um...How do you get it do that?"

Carol's mouth twitched into a smile.

"I mean, it's soft...just...light...touching it...I love.."

He stopped talking because he didn't understand a single thing he was saying and doubted she did, either.

"You love touching my soft hair because it looks like light."

"Um...yes?"

"I love that you notice my hair, James."

"You...you're...wel..welcome," Jim stammered. "Good."

"You have such a way with words, Captain," she laughed, curled her arms around his neck, and kissed him soundly. It didn't last quite long enough and from Carol's breathlessness, she wasn't done either. However, they were not alone and Jim's feet were beginning to feel very strange. He needed Bones but first he needed to...share.

"Thank you for not rushing out of here the second I fell asleep and giving me another chance." Jim looked away as tears pricked his eyes. "I realize what I said out there wasn't exactly date night material."

"I am so, so sorry," Carol said sadly. "I had no idea that he meant so much to you."

"I miss him. I learned so much from Pike. He didn't let me get away with anything. He told me after our mission on Nibiru that I wasn't ready for the chair because I didn't respect it. He was right, Carol. I'm still not ready for this."

"That's what makes you a great captain, now, James. It's humility." She wiped his cheeks.

"He said I didn't have that either. Keep me humble, Carol," he pleaded. "Don't let me go back to where I was."

"I think Commander Spock and Dr. McCoy do a good job of that, already."

"They do, but I have recently discovered you are the one who influences me to obey them." He scrunched his face. "I don't know how you do that, but you do. Like last week. I listened not to Bones but to you. And the other day, the same thing happened."

Jim Kirk was being tamed by a woman. The thought didn't scare him as much as it would've a year or even a few months ago. It was nice.

"You have listened to me, I agree." She chuckled. Jim lost himself in her smile. "I will always be honest with you, James, if that's what you want."

"I do," he nodded. "I want Pike to be..."

He couldn't finish.

She didn't make him. She finished his sentence for him.

"Proud of you." She leaned forward, touching her forehead to his in an intimate gesture Jim found he loved. "He was proud the second you showed up for the shuttle that morning, James. You didn't have to earn it. You don't have to think you lost it at one point. Pike was always proud of you despite anything you ever did or didn't do. Your father would be proud, too, for how you've persevered amidst all the tragedy in your life. I'm proud of you...Captain."

Bones was right. He usually was. Jim loved this woman who understood and challenged him. Jim loved this woman who had hair like light.

Jim loved Carol.

He was content to keep the information to himself for a little while longer. The fear that he'd mess things up if he'd say those three words was overwhelming.

They had much to learn about each other but their relationship had taken root months ago without either realizing it. Still, Jim was holding his breath for the moment when Carol would decide to leave him, just as his mother had, Sam had...his father...Pike...

Bones was right about something else. Jim may have been trying to push her away.

Rising anger directed towards himself clouded his mind. Why was he even thinking of trying to drive this woman away from him? He didn't understand why he'd do such a thing except for keeping her untainted by his past.

Revealing his dark secrets in almost their entirety had been horrific for his friends, Bones and Spock. Jim couldn't imagine how it could affect Carol.

"Carol, about what I said...happened on Tarsus..."

"You don't have to discuss that now, Jim. We can wait, work at it little by little."

The caress of her fingers on his cheek distracted Jim from all that he should say. He sighed, smiling into her hand.

"When you do that, I can't think."

"Is that so bad?"

"You'll have to keep playing Spock at chess."

"How did you become so noble?"

Jim lifted his eyes to meet hers. To have someone tell him he was noble was humbling. He wasn't but if Carol thought so, and she was so intelligent and always honest with him, how could he reply?

"Noble. Huh," he said vaguely. "That's a new one. I've been called many things, most of them distasteful, but never noble."

"Yes," she kissed his cheek, pausing there and making him lightheaded with that strawberry scent he loved.

"I'd probably be dead if it hadn't been for Pike that night he pulled me, drooling and bloodied, off the floor of the bar."

She lurched back, her eyes at first wide with shock then gradually with compassion.

"James." As she said his name, so gently, he knew he could keep sharing. He swallowed back his fear. He'd tell her the truth, bits at a time. Not to overwhelm, but to allow her the space and opportunity to leave him if she so desired.

Jim loved her that much- he'd let her go. He'd have to give her that chance.

"I was on borrowed time, Carol. I'd been doing stupid, life-threatening things for weeks. I'd been in jail only months before and made some enemies trying to save this kid's life." He frowned. "In that case, you could say I was noble, but it wasn't very noble how I got in that situation in the first place."

Her eyes regarded him in question. Jim had to tell her now, as much as he hated to.

"Theft..three hovercrafts, picked up from people living high on the hog with the best security systems there were. It was the thrill, Carol. I'd gotten away with it half a dozen other times, until then." He squeezed his eyes shut. "I know, I know. Awful, right? I got a lucky break, got off easy, and well...Pike discovered who I was- my father's son, who leaps without looking just like Captain George Kirk did, hero, savior of the Kelvin and her crew."

"Look at me, Jim."

He could not. If she despised him, he could not see that reflected from her eyes, especially where he was taking the conversation. If the woman he loved despised him, he did not want to see it- ever. "Anyways...hardly comes close to what I did on Tarsus. Killing guards...at age thirteen."

"Look. At. Me."

Her tenacity wasn't surprising and it drew him out. He hesitated but then her fingers grazed his cheeks again.

"Please," she whispered.

Heart racing, he listened and peeled his eyes open. Nothing in her gaze condemned him.

"You had no choice other than to save those boys, James. It's in your nature to help the helpless, rescue those who otherwise would have no hope of rescue. I see that now, and the repercussions of that...it's affected you in ways I don't think you understand."

"I disappointed him."

"You may have done that at some point but that doesn't mean that you lost his affection or caused him to be less proud of you." She sighed and curled back against his chest. "Will you let your memory of him rest in your mind? You've been through so much lately. Hold on to the best you had with him. He would want that from you."

She was right.

Jim nodded. He'd rest with that, as long as Carol stayed. He could not lose her. She was still here- still here- with him.

The strange sensation he felt earlier crept up his left calf. He winced and reached a hand down to rub his leg.

"What's wrong?" Carol frowned.

"Carol," he gasped, now incapable of ignoring the pain in his left foot.

"I need Bones." The feeling had crept up even more to his thigh. His vision flared white. "But first, could you help me take off my boot, please?"

She slipped off his lap.

"The left one," he gasped, unable to even attempt to do it himself.

"James." She looked at him worriedly. "It won't come off."

He glanced down at his foot. He hadn't even felt the tug.

This wasn't good.

"I think your foot must be swollen."

This really wasn't good. He groaned. His head hit the back of his chair with a thud.

"This can't be happening." He didn't need a setback. He didn't want a setback. He wanted to be commanding his ship again not an invalid for the rest of his life.

"I know you don't want a setback," she said softly. "and you won't be an invalid."

He scowled. He couldn't have said that aloud. He was losing it.

"Yes, you just mumbled your thoughts again. I'll be right back." She kissed his cheek and ran out.

Spock rushed in not ten seconds later. "Dr. McCoy is on his way, Jim."

Jim was relieved when Spock pulled the opposite boot off without any effort but then Spock eyed Jim's foot with almost the same concern as he did the boot-clad foot. Silently, Spock brought over a small bench in the room and elevated Jim's feet as carefully as possible. Jim closed his eyes, trying to push through his discomfort but a vivid memory from two weeks ago surfaced. A figure came closer and the unfolding memory hit him at warp speed.

_A cold hand touched his foot, like a coiling snake capturing its prey. The snake's tail struck, snapping bone, then caressing it in enjoyment while Jim suffered. His injury hindered his ability to fight back, but the chains prevented it completely._

_"You'll not sabotage my plans ever again," the ex-governor hissed._

_The next time the snake attacked it was with slow, oozing venom. Excruciating pain radiated from his feet as bone tore through the skin, little by little. Kodos had tortured Jim before. Jim knew Kodos' ways. This was only the beginning. Kodos taunted..._

_"The great Cap-"_

"Captain?"

Jim jolted to attention, confused when Spock's voice blended with that of Kodos. "Spock?"

Strangely, it was not Kodos in his vengefulness before him but Spock, staring at Jim with a disturbed expression. Before Jim could wonder anymore about his own state of mind, Bones' grumbling voice sounded.

"Dammit, Jim," Bones stood above him scowling. "I leave you alone for a few hours. A few hours!"

"Sor-

"Don't you 'sorry' me, Jimmy." The tricorder hovered over his foot.

"I di-"

"Didn't think, that's what," Bones took out a blade and began slicing the boot.

"I was-"

"Wasn't listening. You never listen. Stay off your feet, Jim, that was all you were told to do." Bones spat out as the boot fell off of Jim's foot. "And now look. What. Happened."

"Oh my God," Carol gasped.

He felt a pinch in his neck and Bones danced before his eyes. "Whadya just give me, Bones?"

"Pain med. I don't know how the hell you didn't feel this. Your knife...the knife you carry around in your boot. The one you weren't supposed to put back in your boot. Somehow the open blade sliced your foot and caused it to swell up like a watermelon."

Bones stopped what he was doing and glared up at Jim. "After it was already swollen from your walking."

"Oh."

"That's all he says. Oh," Bones muttered and returned to working with his foot. "Of course that's Captain Kirk's explanation."

Jim's head hit the back of the chair with a thud once more. He closed his eyes while Bones did not disappoint and laid into him with a few curse-filled metaphors.

"I forgot."

He did forget. He'd been nervous all day- hating that Carol was harmed in his nightmares and thinking of loving her and unable to do a damn thing about it because he didn't want to lose her.

"Sorry, Bones," he mumbled, his fatigue now hitting him like a dead weight."Kodos. Pike. Carol. I was...I just...forgot."

"I know you did, Jimmy," Bones sighed. "I know."

"Sorry, Bones."

"Stop apologizing," Bones muttered as he worked with Jim's foot. "It's not your fault. I knew you were a bit off. I realized that when you hadn't touched your food earlier today. I should've stayed with you a little while more instead of letting you spread your wings so soon."

"Sickbay?"

"You bet."

"No, Bones."

"Jim, it's messy. It injured the very bone we've worked so hard to heal. I stopped the bleeding but we have to get you to sickbay."

"Damn Kodos," He muttered under his breath.

Bones jerked his head up. "Jim, I'm going to give you a sedative in a minute, okay? I think it'd be the best thing to do before we get started."

"Fine," he whispered. He wouldn't mind the rest, as long as he wasn't plagued about nightmares in which Carol was harmed as he'd been having the past two weeks. Bones' wary expression evoked dread in the pit of Jim's stomach.

"Bad, isn't it?" Jim mumbled through the fog of medication.

"The knife was open, Jim. Open. I don't know how the hell that happened, but it did."

It served him right- he'd frightened Carol with it.

At Carol's cry of dismay, Jim realized he'd shared his thoughts yet another time.

"Is that what you think? Karma?" Bones thundered at him. "I just told you, Jim. It's not. Your. Fault."

Jim shrank back at Bones' rage. He deserved it. It had to be his fault. He couldn't think of any other way to handle this mishap or anything else for that matter. Carol's warm hand settled on his forehead, providing some comfort but his guilt for frightening her remained a stake in his heart.

"Jim," Bones spoke in a gentler tone and laid a hand on Jim's knee. The softer approach still caused Jim to stiffen. "Dr. Marcus, could you give us a minute? Spock. Stay."

"Why?" Jim frowned.

"Jim, let it go. Dr. Marcus?"

"Certainly, Dr. McCoy" she said quickly, giving Jim an encouraging smile.

The tension between the three escalated after Carol left. He could've sworn his first officer held the most anxiety in his expression than he'd ever seen on the Vulcan since Jim's stay in the hospital. It unnerved Jim. Bones' expression was no better.

"Jimmy," Bones hesitantly began. "Is there anything you wish to tell me?"

"Besides that my mind was spinning all day?" Jim scowled. "No."

"I can think of one reason why that knife was open."

"I didn't do it on purpose, Bones." Panic set in. He hadn't known. He hadn't even felt any pain until recently.

"I know you didn't do it on purpose. I think you had a flashback, took the knife in your hands, opened it, and unconsciously put it in your boot."

"I can't have a flashback."

"I know, Jimmy."

"It wasn't one." His confidence waned. "The knife just...happened."

"Jim, I believe since you did not recall placing the knife in your boot nor did you feel the pain, a flashback is the reasonable answer." Worry- something that did not come often to the commander- settled in Spock's eyes. Jim panicked even more. If Spock was worried and showed it, Jim was doomed. He was certain of it.

"Bones. Spock. I was preoccupied all day. That's all," he pleaded. "Besides, since when do you both agree on something?"

"Given your history with flashbacks, Jim, I'll have to monitor you around the clock for some time. I'd hoped you'd be out of the woods for something like this."

"Carol's not going to want to date a guy with all of this crap going on." Jim looked at Bones and Spock worriedly. "If I tell her-"

"If you tell her, you're being honest and doing the best thing for the both of you, especially since I think I know what your flashback was about. Jim, so far Dr. Marcus has done nothing but support you."

Jim paled. "I do recall thinking of how I scared her in her lab and shuttle bay."

"I'm sorry, Jim," Bones paused. "You do know what this means, don't you? Besides having to monitor you around the clock?"

He did. Tarsus and Kodos had screwed Jim all over again.

It meant that the doctor just declared Jim unfit for command with no clear timetable to say when or if Jim would ever be capable of commanding again.


	5. Chapter 5

McCoy dismissed the nurse from the room as Jim stirred from his induced sleep. Jim had slept for more than thirty of the last thirty-six hours, awakening only to eat, speak to his therapist, and badger McCoy about a visit from Carol.

Refusing private visits from Carol, or anyone else for that matter, had been the wisest choice until the doctor could ascertain Jim's mental state. McCoy sat down. After Jim's not so uncommon sleep marathon, McCoy was prepared to remain with him for the rest of the day.

With a groan, Jim's eyes fluttered open. "I feel like I was pushed down a steep incline of snow and ice."

"You did that not so long ago. Remember? Also, that's what not sleeping for three days will do to you, Jimmy." Jim pushed himself up to a sitting position. McCoy took note of the slight tremor in Jim's arms. "And not eating."

"I ate that sandwich," Jim said defensively.

"That was fourteen hours ago." McCoy brought the food tray to Jim's lap. "Eat. Now."

With a scowl, Jim took a delicate bite of soup and then another.

"You're eating like a chicken."

Silently, Jim dunked his spoon in the liquid, splashing more than several drops, and an incorrigible slurp followed.

"Infant," McCoy muttered under his breath. Distracted with his food, Jim was unaware that McCoy took advantage of the opportunity to observe the captain. McCoy came to a conclusion: Jim's improvement was fair at best, if McCoy wanted to lie to himself about his best friend's health. Wanting to ignite Jim's desire to try harder- and maybe encourage them both- McCoy ventured. "Carol will be here shortly."

The statement seemed to take Jim by surprise. He dropped his spoon, his countenance brighter than McCoy had seen it since this revisit to sickbay.

"She's coming?"

Jim's sheer hesitancy cut McCoy to the quick. He had watched Jim's confidence over women wane, beginning when he recovered from his irradiation and increasing since a certain woman found out about his experience on Tarsus. As much as Jim's cocky grin fooled most of his crew, it didn't fool his best friend.

"She's come by five times already, Jim," McCoy said softly, thinking of Carol's disappointment at Jim's recent penchant for sleep.

"Oh." Jim's exclamation was like that of a child's at Christmas seeing presents under the tree. Jim stopped his hand in mid-air and set down his spoon. He looked distastefully down at himself then threw an anxious glance at McCoy. "Do you think I can manage a shower before she comes?"

McCoy frowned, ready to deny the request in favor of the captain eating instead but was swayed by Jim's puppy-dog eyes.

"A shower with water at this time may be well worth the effort," McCoy opted to say instead and stood at Jim's side. Jim had already pushed the tray aside and half-tumbled off the bed, almost mindlessly in his excitement. "Easy now. Watch that foot."

McCoy didn't need to confirm Jim's weight loss as he'd already recognized it with numbers. However, another suspicion came to mind when he easily shouldered much of Jim's weight and walked with him to the shower.

"When we get back, you're finishing what's in that bowl, Jim."

"Fine." Sweat beaded on Jim's forehead as he gripped McCoy's shirt the rest of the way, his limp ever faithful. The new injury had not helped matters. Letting Jim rest against the wall, McCoy chose to pursue the subject bothering him most.

"Jimmy."

"What?" Jim's eyes seemed tinted with a half-crazed look. He met McCoy's gaze slowly.

"Are you keeping your food in?"

Jim sucked in a breath. "Bones..."

"Are you?"

"I..." Jim lifted his chin. "I've been asleep too much to know."

Noting the avoidance of an answer, McCoy let it go for now and pulled the remaining sleeve from Jim's arm, guiding the shirt over Jim's head.

"Thanks," Jim mumbled. McCoy's gaze brushed quickly over Jim's chest and back. His doctor's eyes observed the trembling limbs and that the captain had gotten too lean. His mind flooded with medical concerns. His fear only exacerbated the concern that he felt for his friend. He desperately wanted Jim to comply to his demands but seeing the captain's hooded eyes, he realized that Jim expected McCoy to rant. Jim was still exhausted. He didn't need nagging from his doctor.

McCoy would wait. "Take your time, okay? I'll be right here...waiting."

Jim nodded without a word. McCoy turned his back to him and not for the first time, prayed that the captain of the Enterprise would once again become the healthy man the ship needed.

"Bones."

McCoy closed his eyes at Jim's whisper- and unspoken request. For Jim's sake, McCoy had hoped Jim could manage the rest without him.

"Sure, Jimmy."

McCoy turned back around and deftly finished the job of undressing him. The way the captain carried himself into the shower reminded McCoy of a wounded animal on its last leg. McCoy wished for more normalcy for Jim but his past was never far behind. Noting the time again, McCoy quickly sent a comm to Dr. Marcus to delay her visit. A thump sounded from the shower, followed by a groan and a curse.

"Jim?" McCoy was at the door instantly.

"Yeah?" Jim's voice weakly carried over.

"You okay?"

"Not really." Jim's honesty startled him. "I...slipped."

"Need help?"

"No, I just..." Jim's frustrated voice faded.

McCoy battled his concern as he waited for a word from Jim. Every medical instinct screamed at McCoy that he was the doctor and he damn well could insist Jim to listen and adhere to his expertise. However, he was a Jim Kirk expert and as he'd observed Jim the past two days even more closely than the past two weeks, McCoy realized Jim did not need his push. He required gentle prodding, which would take some time. The doctor pushed aside his anxiety and vowed to ward off dangers to Jim's health to the best of his ability. The psychological balance was delicate, even more than when McCoy first learned about Jim's history.

Jim cared deeply for Carol, which affected the very way Jim dealt with his recuperation now. The friendship between Jim and Spock had flourished and the Vulcan was certainly another reason for Jim's white-washing of his condition.

It was Jim's psychological health which concerned McCoy more than anything. The physical so tied to it, Jim's attempt to hide anything from McCoy was almost ridiculous.

McCoy knew Jim had a tenuous relationship with food from surviving Tarsus but that relationship had been stable until recently. He was positive Jim's food aversion and bouts with nausea had returned. Already, he was carefully monitoring the extent of the damage that Jim's food aversion had caused. He'd adjusted Jim's meds and electrolytes while the captain slept, stopping them an hour ago when a sufficient amount of nutrients had flushed into his system.

The captain remained too silent. "Jim?" After more silence, McCoy donned his professional mask and opened the door. Through the water flowing down, he took in Jim's seated position on the floor, his trembling body, and the way his hand was pressed against his forehead.

"You bumped your head on the way down?" Water poured over them both as McCoy knelt in front of Jim, whose eyes were fixed straight in front of him.

"Jim?"

Jim's hand dropped away from his forehead and fell limply to his thigh, his expression never changing nor acknowledging McCoy. Drops of water coated Jim's pale face, finding their way into the crevices of his face, neck, shoulders, and finally his torso. Jim was motionless, save the chill which gripped his body.

"No. Please, Jimmy," McCoy whispered. His heart sunk. His captain wasn't there.

He was on Tarsus.

Blinking himself out of his own daze, McCoy realized then how cold the water was. It cut through his clothing in the short while he'd been under it. He shut it off with a command, threw the towel over Jim's chest and lap, and stepped back into Jim's room. He grabbed a blanket with urgency. McCoy had done this before- no one else could deal with Jim during these episodes. Jim wouldn't want it either.

McCoy had left Jim for thirty seconds and as he rushed back into the shower, he desperately hoped the captain would be himself again. He wasn't. Jim remained as vulnerable as before and the responsibility McCoy had to his captain overwhelmed him. Jim needed to get better. He had to get better. There was no other option.

Jim's shivering had increased to violent shuddering. Groaning inwardly, McCoy realized that any attempt to hoist Jim to his bed would be met with physical protest. Although Jim would hate it, He would require Spock's assistance to remove Jim from the wet and cold shower. McCoy had no other choice. After easing the blanket around Jim's shoulders and tucking it around his torso, legs, and feet, McCoy commed Spock. The reply from the first officer was as expected- abrupt and to the point. Spock was on his way.

Jim's eyes had been bright even in the flashback but as McCoy regarded him again, they'd dulled and slipped further away from reality.

"Jimmy. It's Bones," McCoy called softly, after finally wiping the water off his own face with his sleeve. He clutched Jim's arm gently but the captain made no indication he heard McCoy.

"Dr. McCoy," Spock's strained voice sounded behind McCoy.

The doctor sighed, unwilling to even begin explaining the precarious situation. McCoy started to get up but Jim reached for McCoy's arm.

"Jim?" McCoy asked hopefully. He remained on his knees and allowed the captain to grip his arm. McCoy peered into Jim's face. The brightness had returned to Jim's eyes but he still did not acknowledge that he heard McCoy. "Jimmy, if you can hear me, squeeze my arm."

At first, McCoy held on to hope that the flashback had been minimal. Finally, he looked up at Spock in resignation as Jim's grip remained the same. McCoy sighed, breaking away from the Vulcan's faintly distraught expression.

Spock's suffering had become something McCoy could identify in a blink of an eye.

Coupled with Jim falling apart, it was altogether excruciating to experience.

"Let's get him to his bed, if at all possible. He's wet and cold, two things that are contributing to his mental state." McCoy filled the tense silence with a most obvious observation.

Spock politely nodded. As McCoy eased Jim's fingers from his arm, he could not help but think how very strong, but yet stupid, Jim was to inflict this upon himself. Most likely, all Jim needed to do was to allow Spock to perform a mind meld. Jim's blanket had slipped from his body as he shivered but Spock drew him up in his arms swifter than McCoy had ever seen the first officer pick up any human. McCoy held his breath again, waiting for Jim to fight the physical contact but he remained malleable as Spock adjusted his weight in his arms.

"Not a word to Jim about this, Spock," McCoy commanded as Spock walked to the bed. "Not a single word."

"He cannot hide these episodes from me, doctor."

"I know that. Deep down he knows that, but he isn't ready to acknowledge it yet. I am trying to give him some time, Spock. He needs to admit he needs more help and I cannot do that for him," McCoy spat out, unwilling to discuss it anymore, especially as he glanced at the first officer. By the look on Spock's face, the first officer felt whatever emotion Jim was experiencing at that very moment- and it wasn't pleasant. "Set him down."

Spock did not- or could not.

"Spock," McCoy said loudly, touching the Vulcan's arm. Spock's uncharacteristic jerk was startling but the doctor remained in control of the situation. "Put him on the bed. Now."

As if the captain himself was on fire, Spock did as he was told and then stepped back, his expressionless mask back in place.

"What happened to his face?" Spock regarded the contusion now on Jim's forehead.

"He took a fall in the shower."

"How long must this go on?"

McCoy had no answer that Spock would accept. He set the temperature on the bed and covered Jim properly with the blanket. Spock backed away quietly, clearing from Jim's vision should he awaken from the flashback.

"For however long he wants it to."

"That cannot be."

"No, but he doesn't want your interference. He also doesn't want my opin-"

A strangled cry brought McCoy's attention back on Jim. The captain heaved breath after breath, looking wildly around the room, not settling until his gaze landed on McCoy. From the corner of his eye, McCoy saw Spock stride from the room. That swift action told McCoy that although Spock was gravely troubled over Jim's request, he at least respected the captain's wishes.

"Jimmy, you're on the Enterprise." McCoy infused his words with as much calmness as he could while Jim struggled to regain a sense of reality. Jim's eyes were muddied even as he looked at McCoy. "Jim? It's Bones, kid. Can you talk to me?"

McCoy's words finally penetrated Jim's mental barrier and recognition began to dawn on the captain's face.

"Bones." Jim's whisper cracked. "Spock. I..thought I saw him."

"He's not here," McCoy affirmed without guilt. "It's just me."

Frowning, Jim pushed himself up on his elbows. He looked down in confusion as the blanket pooled halfway down his bare chest. "I was in the shower."

"Yes, you were," McCoy handed Jim a new set of clothing. His patience was wearing thin at Jim's unnecessary suffering. It was only a matter of time before he would step in, Jim's own feelings aside.

"Did I..." Jim's shoulder's slumped. McCoy's stomach twisted at Jim's defeated expression.. "I did, didn't I?"

"Yes."

Jim laid back on the bed, clothing forgotten. He said nothing. McCoy waited for some remark- something to let McCoy know that Jim was thinking harder about the state he was in and realize he needed to ask for help.

Instead, Jim went straight for what he wanted most- time with Carol.

"Will you give me a few minutes alone with her?" Jim's pleaded. "Please, Bones."

"I can't, Jim." McCoy said incredulously. "I know you won't tell her, but it's my professional opinion that you should. If something like this happens again in her presence, it won't go over well that you didn't prepare her. She'll know you haven't been truthful. What good will that do for your relationship?"

"I need more time, Bones."

"No, you need to let go of your pride."

"That's what you think this is about?" Jim's vehement expression was blatantly honest- he did not believe it was his own pride. McCoy was certain part of Jim did not wish for Carol to see him succumbing to the flashbacks. Perhaps expressing his own fear for Jim in that statement was not altogether fruitful.

"I'm sorry, Jim," McCoy would eat his words if need be. "That's not what I meant to say."

"Yes it is," Jim's eyes narrowed. "I get why you would think that. It would've very well have been part of the reason had this happened one or two years ago, but Carol means more to me than sparing my pride. I don't want her hurt with this."

"I'll give you five minutes, with me standing right outside your door." McCoy bit back his frustration. He would add an ultimatum Jim would hate with every fiber of his being. "On one condition: you will allow me to inform Carol that the possibility of flashbacks could occur. She needs to be aware, Jim. The woman cares deeply for you and seeing you in any degraded mental state without preparing her is dangerous, Jim."

McCoy knew he'd won. It was impossible for Jim to deny any of that but Jim closed his eyes and waited before conceding.

"You won't tell her I've had them?"

"No."

"Okay." Jim sat up carefully and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He shrugged on his shirt, a process that was much easier than removing it. However, the tremor of his limbs was hard to miss. Jim took a single, uncertain step on his less injured foot and then one with his other, more damaged foot- he teetered precariously.

McCoy reacted instantly, steadying Jim before he tumbled to the floor.

"This is stupid." Jim said with disgust. As McCoy felt almost all of Jim's weight against him, he realized Jim could hardly remain standing by himself. He wasn't merely dizzy- he was weak. "I can't even stand up straight without help."

"Don't beat yourself up about it. Healing from an ordeal like you went through takes time, Jim." McCoy used one hand to grab the pants and boxers on the bed and silently helped Jim finish dressing.

He stepped back from Jim, allowing the captain a moment to regain control of the moment. Jim was looking at the chair with such unabashed longing that McCoy smirked.

"The chair is yours, Jimmy. Sit down if you wish."

Jim limped the few feet to the chair and sat down with a satisfied smile. He swept a hand through his damp hair. "Thanks. I don't think I could stand another minute in that bed."

"I'll send her in soon. Keep yourself off that foot and Jim..."

"Yeah?"

"Your brother contacted me." McCoy had wanted to wait before talking to Jim about this, but Jim's communicator lay idle beside the bed.

"What?" Jim shot up out of his chair, his expression disbelieving. McCoy had hardly believed it himself. Sam was never much for talking with Jim. He'd sent Jim a short congratulatory message upon Jim's captaincy but other than that, McCoy could not recall any other time communication had ensued. "Sam? You've got to be kidding me."

"You haven't responded to any of his messages the past two weeks."

Jim scowled at his comm. "And I won't be."

McCoy fought against the heinous image of that holo from forming completely in his mind. Informing Jim now was imperative, despite the implications.

"You need to, eventually, when you're well. But I took care of it for now." McCoy motioned for Jim to sit back in the chair before he continued. Jim obeyed with a huff and looked at McCoy expectantly. "Apparently, someone sent a holo of you to him and each of his children."

"Tell me about the holo, Bones," came Jim's harsh command.

"It is a picture of you, chained and unconscious in the basement of the Green Gate, Jim."

The horror in Jim's expression in that split second was incomparable, but as strong as his reaction was, Jim schooled his features with the practice he'd attained from his captainship.

McCoy swallowed hard. It was grotesque, on many levels.

"You said it was sent to...my brother's kids? My brother's...children? Peter, Aaron, and...and..."

"Yes, but the youngest didn't see it." The target had been Jim, through his brother's very young children. What could be worse?

"It was Kodos, wasn't it?" Jim's quiet tone was like thunder in McCoy's ears. The captain's restraint was impressive.

"It was." Somehow sent more than two weeks after the ex-governor's death.

"Sam has to hate me," Jim's voice contained all the emotions anyone in his position would. The most obvious was regret. The next, guilt. McCoy shouldn't have expected anything less than that from Jim. This would only add another layer to work through during his recovery.

"He doesn't hate you. Why would he? It wasn't your fault. He's worried."

"What did you tell him, Bones? How are his boys?"

"His boys had a few difficult moments but they have put it past them. I told him you were recuperating and would need a few more days before you could respond to his messages."

"That won't be enough for him."

"It wasn't, but I did not speak of anything else, Jim."

"I trust you."

"Do you trust me enough to listen about Carol?"

"No."

Jim's simple reply was expected but as McCoy left the private room to usher in the woman who cared as much for Jim as Spock did, he did not know if he could handle Jim's continuing and inevitable downward spiral.

Jim was still being tortured, but this time it was by his very own hands.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: Thanks so much for the reviews and follows! DLB48- thanks for your wonderful beta reading! We're about halfway done. It's a day earlier than I usually would post but I've got a busy weekend ahead. So, I give you more hurt/comfort tonight, instead.

I recently finished writing a five-part, Jim-centric, Valentine's Day fic. Expect some of the crew to be acting a bit out of sorts but Jim will have a plan to fix things, of course. Pure entertainment, light-hearted, and not to be taken too seriously. Can't wait to share it come early February!

* * *

Jim nervously drummed his fingers along the arms of the chair, his mind a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions. There was no reason for him to be nervous. He was captain. He'd survived facing Kodos, and yet here he was – nervous and even a little afraid. He drummed his fingers faster as he admitted to himself that he was afraid he was losing the battle with his past. Why had he agreed to let Bones inform Carol he might experience flashbacks? Why now? He could have waited longer even if it meant Carol could not visit. Waiting would have given himself time to gain control.

Silently, he cursed his friend. Bones was driving a hard bargain and demanding Jim's cooperation. Why couldn't he just let Jim handle the situation? Jim had always managed to gain control before. This would be no different.

The fact was, it was day two of his sickbay stay and Jim was successfully avoiding everything he wanted to escape. At the top of his avoidance list was preventing Carol from learning his secret. Thus far he had accomplished that by sleeping most of the time and limiting visitors. Carol, the woman he loved more than anything, had witnessed none of his flashbacks. Deceiving her hurt him, but with Kodos never far from his mind he was convinced it was a necessary pain. The last two days were relentless. He'd never gotten a break and his emotions were strung tautly. He immediately pushed aside the fear they were capable of shattering his resolve.

He muttered to himself that even if Bones was telling her the bare minimum, she'd be more likely to press him. She could very likely figure this out on her own.

"James." Carol stood in the doorway, dressed in uniform and looking beautiful in every way but also looking like a woman deeply troubled, in every shape and form. Her mouth pressed into a thin line and her eyes set on him with caution. Jim doubted she'd lose this feeling after this visit although he would try to appease this concern.

"You're awake."

"Imagine that." He grinned.

He wanted nothing than to be with her but this had been too close. Barely ten minutes ago, he'd been in his cell on Tarsus. Jim had seen the wild look in his own eyes immediately following one of his trips down memory lane. If Carol knew him at all, she'd notice, she'd care, and she'd ask for the truth which Jim could not give.

"Are you okay? You look a little shell-shocked," Carol hurried over and placed a hand on his knee.

She'd noticed the crazy eyes. He averted his gaze, feeling damned as the effects of his flashback lingered.

"I can't...stop thinking," Jim wished to take the words back as soon as they left his mouth, but Carol's authentic compassion unleashed something inside of him- the desire for her to understand and trust him. Even so, he'd sworn to himself that he'd not give her any reason to question him. He had the hope, illogical as it was, that the flashbacks would disappear eventually on their own.

"Tarsus?" she asked gently.

"I thought with the mind melds, I'd have no trouble now," he frowned. "I haven't had this much difficulty for a long time, Carol. Since Bones found out, actually."

"When was that?"

"Within the first few weeks of our first year at the Academy."

"How'd you overcome it then?"

"Stupidity." He looked at her sheepishly as he wrapped up his recklessness and need for danger, women, and alcohol in a single word. Her eyes widened- she'd gotten the message. "That's probably when many of the rumors began."

"I'm sorry. The therapy sessions, Jim...they are helping you though, right?"

"I...think so, but I never talked about Tarsus to a shrink before."

His couldn't help but reveal his intense dislike for the required sessions with a grimace. Carol's expression became strangely discerning.

"You never had the care you needed after Tarsus." She paled. "James...what happened that you never received treatment?"

"Hell," he said bitterly. "That's what. If you really want to know, go look at the photos of the unidentified kid Starfleet rescued off of Tarsus floating around out there."

His emaciated appearance practically fooled his own mother but his refusal to acknowledge her as his mother propelled her to leave Jim.

"Didn't anyone come for you?"

"My mother? She did manage to find me even though I'd made it difficult because I never revealed my true name," he shrugged.

"You only used...JT."

"Yes," he said simply. "I wasn't going back with her, Carol. She'd leave again like she'd always do and I'd be stuck with..."

He couldn't even speak of the man who'd given him the first round of scars but Carol understood the harsh reality of the unspoken name. Her face crumpled with sadness. Jim detested his own vulnerability but even more he detested how much his past hurt others.

Jim's past was a tangled web of hurt and tragedy that ensnared anyone who cared for him in its choking threads. He'd helplessly watched Bones break from the knowledge. Spock had been spared the worst but Jim knew the Vulcan had been affected. He'd spent as much time with Jim in sickbay as he had on the bridge in his stead because of the magnitude of emotion which came from the mind melds.

"Where did you go?" She whispered. "I can't imagine how you even walked out of the hospital alone, as a child, without your mother."

"It is why I will never abandon my family as my mother did, Carol. Never." His wired emotions heated even more. With as much passion as he ever had on the subject, he said it again. "Any children I have will know their father."

He hoped any children he had would have Carol as their mother.

He glanced up at her and wondered at the expression on her face. It was strangely comforting to him as he realized she was staring at him with desire. He prided himself in recognizing various emotions on the most stoic of people- who was he kidding, he'd had lots of practice with Spock- and Carol had revealed herself to him in a matter of seconds. Nothing could take away the satisfied feeling he had- they were on the same page.

He needed her beside him, but sitting in this confining chair, it was impossible.

"Oh, please don't move, Jim-" She rushed to say as he stood.

"It's fine," he said smoothly, even as he limped to his bed. Once there, he sat on top of the covers, careful not to put stress on his foot any further, and patted the spot beside him for her to join him.

"I believe you. You will know your children." Her eyes softly regarded him. As natural as it was to have her by his side, he would't let himself get lost in this comfort quite yet.

"I managed to get help from...someone but left as soon as I was well enough to fend for myself."

Remembering where he did go, Jim could hardly imagine what he'd been thinking at aged thirteen, asking his brother who had only been twenty-one to care for him while he recovered. At twenty-one, Jim had been running from his past and into more trouble than he cared to admit and consequently in jail.

Then again, Sam had always been a little more grounded than Jim. He had a wife and a child when Jim showed up on his doorstep. Now, Sam, his wife, and their children lived in the very place Jim never wished to return to again- Riverside.

"You've been on your own since the age of thirteen."

Jim wasn't the one who looked shell-shocked. It was Carol.

"Where did you go next?" Her eyes wide, she waited expectantly but Jim's thoughts wrenched him from reality and forced him to tumble into the dark places after Tarsus.

He had gone anywhere he could lie and cheat to survive, occasionally finding someone he could help and thereby pulling him out of his self-pity and wallowing.

"Jim?"

Her hand caressed his cheek and returned him to the present. He blinked at her, confused momentarily as to why such a soft, gentle hand touched him when nothing about him was touchable. He was tainted in every single way by his uncle, Tarsus...Kodos. Carol's eyes searched him carefully, almost dissecting his thoughts one by one. That couldn't happen. He breathed deeply to ground his thinking. He couldn't reveal anything else regarding his teenage years, let alone his escapades and various residences after Tarsus.

"My nightmares about you are gone." Jim deftly changed the subject.

Carol's face brightened. "They're gone?"

"Yes. Spock helped that along." Jim suppressed a yawn.

"I'm glad you asked for his assistance."

He had only because of Carol. Bones no doubt loved the fact that Carol influenced him like she did.

"James," she said softly. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." He would do about anything for this woman- except inflict more pain than was necessary upon her. Yes, his nightmares about her were gone but others already replaced them and Jim could not ask for assistance from Spock from those.

"You're tired. I better go."

"You could stay?"

"Your eyes are closed."

So they were. "Sorry," he said with a weak smile at her light teasing. "Come back later, okay?"

"I will. Get well, James Kirk," she whispered with a kiss.

Her strawberry scent wafted away along with her footsteps. She was gone but he reveled in the happiness she brought him and the way he had controlled the situation. Nothing had gone wrong. Smiling to himself, he tried to sleep and had almost managed when he sensed he was not alone.

He shouldn't have been surprised but he, indeed, jumped when he spied Spock a mere five feet away, arms crossed and eyes demanding answers.

"Commander." Nothing came to his mind to avoid the inevitable. Jim would have to face the inquisition.

"The flashbacks you are experiencing are a result of the memories you concealed from me during the mind melds. Your inability to reveal them explains the difficulty Dr. McCoy had in reversing the drugs violent affects once we returned to the Enterprise."

Jim blinked at Spock's abruptness and clarity of the situation. He'd expected Spock to call him on it but not quite so soon. Bones may have connected the two but hadn't commented- yet.

"You still refuse my assistance, yet you suffer, Jim." Spock softened his speech. "If you allow this to continue, it will be detrimental to your relationships. You will be unable to command the Enterprise indefinitely. The relationship you value most of all will not last."

"I know," Jim winced at the reference to the deep affection he and Carol shared for one another. "I know."

"Why do you do this?"

Spock did not need Jim to answer. He already knew. He only wanted Jim to acknowledge it for himself, loud and clear. Perhaps in an attempt to show Jim that his avoidance was unnecessary.

"To spare you pain," Jim swallowed. "To spare you what I felt, what I saw...and what I did. Spock, I can't do that to you."

"You are correct. I am not feeling pain now, Jim. What I am feeling is beyond the pain you think to spare me. I am suffering acutely as you attempt to defy what has happened to you on your own. I am broken as my friend chooses not to make himself whole but to allow himself to degrade mentally and physically. Not only have you distanced yourself from the very people who wish to help you, you are hurting them with your silence. I am forced to watch my friend lose his control. I am forced to watch my friend repeatedly deny himself restoration of health that has been offered to him. I do not feel mere pain, Jim. I am in agony."

"I am sorry," Jim whispered his regret. He never wanted his past to surface and now that it had, it continued on its path of destruction. "I'm sorry that my past has hurt you."

"Your past has not hurt me, Jim. It is you."

"Spock, I-," Jim choked.

"No, Jim. You do not understand. Your past has hurt you most of all and yet you will not allow yourself respite when I offer it to you."

"Respite," Jim repeated. He'd give his left arm for that- the right one, too, if the people he loved would not feel the same pain. In Jim's opinion, Spock's assumptions were correct except for one. With Jim's silence, they were suffering less not more.

"Yes. Do you not think that for the benefit of all-"

"No," he said shortly. "No. Absolutely not, Spock."

"I do not think you realize how many people depend on you."

"I realize that this ship could get another captain if need be."

"You do not mean that, Jim."

He didn't. He'd hate to forfeit his ship.

Jim swung his legs over the edge of the bed and cringed involuntarily at the food Bones had left earlier. His stomach rolled and he knew immediately that his other problem had worsened. In disgust at his inability to even look at food, he pushed it aside.

"You are not feeling well." Spock's voice was now cool and controlled. Jim lost the bit of confidence he had when Carol visited.

What Jim had reasoned had become a way for he and Spock to deepen their friendship- sharing his deepest memories through the mind melds- had only severed it, day by day. Spock knew he'd kept others hidden. After all they'd gone through, it'd come to this. Jim's past which could not relinquish it's jaws on all parts of his life.

"My foot feels better than yesterday," he said truthfully.

"I see."

"I know you do." Spock had missed nothing. "I only ask that you give me time, Spock. Please."

"I must then request something of you as well, Jim."

"Alright," Jim agreed slowly.

"I wish you to think of the needs of the many, Jim."

"And if I do that and come to the same conclusion that I did before?"

"That conclusion will be impossible to attain, Captain. The crew of the Enterprise depend upon you to lead them. I depend upon you to resume your duties."

No longer sounding controlled, Spock's eyes glittered with a plea for Jim to concede.

"I can't." His heart splintered in two at the divide he'd created between them and Spock's willingness to wait despite Jim's reluctance to come clean.

"You can do what you most certainly fear. You are not alone."

"Fear? I would describe it as unwillingness to watch two people whom I love suffer more because of me."

Bones entered, not bothering to offer a welcome or acknowledge the tension between Jim and Spock. He went directly to check Jim's foot.

"Pain?"

"Nothing I can't handle, doctor. I've been off my feet- again- for two days, as you know."

"Is that a complaint?" Bones grunted. "Sorry, Jimmy, but it'll be another two days at least before you can walk around freely."

"Here?" The room reminded him of...

Walls surrounded, the scent of burnt flesh and...his blood ...Tom's screams...surrounding him...had to do it...so he wouldn't suf-

"...maybe a day early, Jim."

Bones finished and looked at him, eyebrows raised. Jim's thoughts crashed to a stop.

"Uh, whatever you think?" Jim threw out a vague answer, still clearing the scent of burnt flesh from his memory.

"I thought you'd be happier about getting out of here a day early."

Jim's chest tightened. He'd guessed incorrectly. "Yes. Thanks, Bones."

Bones sighed and plopped down in an empty chair. "Another one?"

Jim opened his mouth to deny what had been a very obvious flashback but then sighed in resignation. "Yes. And yes, I had one earlier so that makes three today."

"Do you have a plan for coping with them once we reach your quarters, Dr. Kirk?"

"Besides babysit me?" He asked cheekily.

Bones rolled his eyes. "Jimmy, I'd like it better if I didn't have to monitor you continuously. And what about Carol? She'll want to know more details now that she knows what is possible. What are you going to tell her?"

"Not a single thing about these damn spacing out episodes."

"Jimmy, they are not as simple as 'spacing out.' You're not always here with us, Jim. Yesterday, you tried opening this very door during one and I had to sedate you before you knocked me in the eye again."

He hadn't known that. He thought the knife incident was an isolated episode.

"What? You ne-"

"Dr. McCoy-"

"You've slept ever since that happened and then you were in the shower...and Carol's visit," Bones interrupted both Jim and Spock. "I didn't have the chance to tell you."

"Captain, this cannot continue."

"It won't." It couldn't.

"Jimmy-"

"Bones, I need more therapy." Jim said darkly. "That's all."

"And until they stop? You're going to go about your normal duties and depend on pure luck that they won't occur when Carol is around?"

That was exactly what Jim was going to do.

"No." Bones shook his head. "I have listened to you up to now but for your safety and that of others I cannot allow you to be alone or to have visitors."

"But I-"

"Think that winging it is the best answer? Jimmy, she will know something's off with you."

"Sulu to Mr. Spock."

Bones sent Jim a stern look while Spock answered his comm. Jim swallowed as he read the doctor's expression- they weren't finished.

Spock turned to Jim when he was done. "I will visit when I return from our mission, Captain. We have much to discuss regarding your ship."

It was the best thing Spock could have said to him. Jim smiled tremulously. "I look forward to that visit."

"Jim," Bones warned as Spock left.

Jim heaved a sigh, frustrated that the interruption hadn't postponed the bigger issue.

"Bones, I can't tell her. I don't want to disclose to her how...tortured my mind is. It'll worry her even more. I am afraid any specific knowledge about them could hurt her, Bones."

"She's a strong woman, Jim."

"I can't hurt her with this."

"If you want time alone, you have to tell her."

"I...you'll give us an hour?"

"An hour? Are you crazy?" Bones said in disbelief. He slouched in his seat and shook his head. "Wait, don't answer that. Today and tomorrow you rest. After that I'll give you several pockets of time with her, only if you promise to explain this to her."

"I..I...can't, Bones, no I just told you-"

"Then I shall join you during your visits."

Jim shut his mouth. If he gave in, his past would reach its bony fingers and take Carol on its ugly and merciless path. She would want him to fix his problem, which meant pulling Spock into its devastation as well. If Bones sat in on their "visits," eventually she'd catch on. It would seem entirely ridiculous to Dr. Marcus that the captain required a babysitter and Jim could not lie to her.

"You don't know what you're asking me to do, Bones."

"I think I do," Bones said quietly.

"You can't possibly understand the can of worms you're opening."

"Tom." Bones stared resolutely at Jim. "He was burned."

Nausea swirled in the pit of Jim's stomach. Heat flooded his face, the burning relentless. How did Bones know what happened to Tom? Jim swallowed and then licked his lips. He had to stay in control. How did Bones know...he couldn't have known. He couldn't possibly know what happened after that, either. He couldn't. It was unfathomable, but if he knew what happened to Tom...

"I never...told you that," Jim choked out. It was impossible to think of Tom and not feel the horror of what happened to him.

"Jimmy- the Academy."

Jim stared at him. Bones never said a word back then. It must have been something Jim uttered during a nightmare.

"I know more happened, Jimmy, but we don't have to go into that now," Bones said softly.

Jim worked his mouth, trying to say something to his best friend. A consolation that he had to hear such horrific things from Jim or that it wasn't his fault that Jim could not get better.

"We will wait." Bones came beside him and squeezed his shoulder. "Jimmy-"

The walls shrank, closing in with remnants of his past. Tom, the burning, the knife Kodos gave to Jim...the orders whispered in Jim's ear...later, the food Kodos offered and the others who were bound in the cell...the knife...Tom...

Sweat poured off of Jim's face. He wiped at his forehead with his sleeve, pausing only to look at the door. Making his decision, he rushed off the bed.

"You are not going anywhere, Jim," Bones crossed his arms and stood in his way.

"I need to talk to Sam."

"I took care of that, remember?"

"In my quarters." Jim looked around the room, panicked and feeling more like his thirteen year old self than the hero captain everyone hailed him to be. The room- it was too small, too much like his nightmares. Like...Tarsus. "I need to talk to Sam. In..in my quarters."

"I can't allow you to talk to Sam, Jim. You're not ready. I already plan to take you to your quarters tonight. M'Benga is covering for me a few days."

Jim altered his stance, placing more weight on his right. His other foot throbbed but he took another step, one around Bones. And then another.

"Jimmy." Bones gripped his arm right as the vertigo kicked in again.

"I can't be in here," he whispered, desperate to flee that very moment, away from the torrent of emotions assailing him. "I can't Bones."

"Okay," Bones agreed softly. "Like I said, I will move you to your quarters by tonight. But I need you to listen to me now, Jim, and remain here for a few more hours. Will you do that?"

Jim froze at the thought of more time in this room, limited and confined. Nothing seemed worse. Tom's screams bounced from one wall to the other, never finding an end to torturing Jim.

"Can you sedate me, Bones?" Jim begged, feeling impossibly helpless. He'd never requested that before and Bones clearly was taken aback that he'd even asked such a thing. Jim's breath, shallow with fear, squeezed any good thought from his mind as he waited for an answer. If Bones didn't sedate him Jim's thoughts would spiral him into insanity. "Bones?"

He whimpered the doctor's name again, uncaring that he had fallen short of the control he prided himself of. "Please. Bones."

"I can do that, Jimmy."

Jim expelled a breath and closed his eyes, nodding with relief that the doctor agreed. Bones guided Jim back to the bed, his gentle care soothing and all that Jim needed at the moment. He curled up on his side as Bones pulled the blanket around him. The sedative would come soon. He was safe. Carol was safe but most importantly, she was ignorant of that fact that at age thirteen, Jim had been forced to kill his very own friend.


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note: Thanks so much for reading! It's very encouraging to see those reviews, favs, and follows. DLB48- you're a brilliant beta reader, truly you are.

This story has been a thorn in my side, a plague, a...you get the picture. As much as I wanted to write and share it, the entire thing has been enough for me to throw in the towel. But I won't! It serves a purpose for my other stories and I can't let my own frustration get in the way. I have three more chapters written and two to go after that. I'm looking forward to the continuing angst but most especially to the comfort in the chapters to come.

Since I have a fun, light-hearted, five-part (maybe six?) crew fic to share come early February that will finish up on Valentine's Day, this may be the last time I update Encompass until after that. Hope you are enjoying this story. If you are, I would be happy to hear from you. :-)

* * *

After heavily sedating Jim, McCoy left explicit instructions with the nurse to notify him immediately at any sign that Jim was stirring. It was times like these that McCoy missed Christine- she was the one who knew as much about Jim's medical history as McCoy. He vowed that someday he would convince her to return. Leaving that thought to another day, McCoy walked away from the captain, drained and distraught. As much as he hated to leave Jim's side, it was imperative for him to regain a sense of himself as CMO and ponder what he'd observed from the captain minutes ago. He also had to speak with headquarters.

The sedative had been strong, so he had no reason to be concerned that Jim would awaken anytime soon. McCoy rushed to his own quarters, first to speak with his superiors. After that unpleasant discussion, McCoy dealt with his worry in the only way he knew how to. He grabbed a bottle, promising himself to drink just enough to take the edge off.

Jim's control had cracked. He was frightened but desperately trying not to show it. His request for sedation sent McCoy's mind reeling. He didn't know what to do with Jim and he surely wasn't going to figure it out on his own. Jim had to face all of his Tarsus memories- once and for all. According to Starfleet Headquarters, the captain was running out of time to do it.

He commed the only other being on the Enterprise with whom he'd even consider to discuss the captain's mental and physical health. He then took a drink...and then another. No doubt he'd loosened his tongue just enough to share without much guilt.

"He begged." McCoy spoke the first thing on his mind when Spock stood silently in front of him a minute later. "He begged for me to sedate him. And so I did. He not only begged, he whimpered. 'Bones,' he said. 'Please.' "

McCoy tossed his head back. The liquid burned down McCoy's throat. Slamming the bottle on the table before him, McCoy groaned and felt the full burden of his responsibility. The entire weight of the world had rested upon McCoy's shoulders as Jim recovered from his irradiation but this time, the weight was different. It had pierced him, making him bleed with every breath as he watched Jim suffer. As Jim's past drained the captain of who he was, it was simultaneously destroying something in McCoy that he couldn't even describe.

"Spock, I just don't know what else to do. He needs time to think, but he can't do that if he's sedated heavily. I can keep him mellowed out with medication but it won't be an option for anything long-term. Maybe I'll keep him sedated half the time."

"In doing so you would give him more time to come to the proper conclusion."

"That asking you for a mind meld is the fastest, easiest way to prevent him from going insane? So help me, Spock, I am not going let Jim take himself away from us again!" McCoy growled. "Give him a few days? Are _you_ insane?"

"Doctor, you just said-"

"I know what I said," he growled again.

"Is he able to attend his therapy sessions?"

"Barely." McCoy cancelled the one for today. "Actually, no. I had quite the discussion with Starfleet Headquarters earlier. Either Jim must be well enough to command within a week or he must be admitted to a hospital."

McCoy couldn't wrap his mind around admitting Jim to a hospital when they were in deep space. Presumably, transportation of the captain would fall to another ship. Thinking positively, McCoy recalled that the ship captained by Jim's friend, Gary Mitchell, was closest and could provide Jim with that transporation.

"Perhaps it would be beneficial to us all if Jim was given time to process his next step."

"In other words, let him think he is calling the shots in hopes that we can convince him in the end to share his worst memories with you?"

"Yes."

"Either you or I must be with him at all times, Spock, even with sedation."

"You are not with him now."

"No, because I needed time to think." McCoy scowled into this half-empty liquor bottle. "And drink."

"I am sure you know best, but I do not think it wise that you continue on as such."

"I'm sure you have no vices to fall back on when your best friend is losing it, so how could you possibly understand," McCoy's sarcasm failed to reach its mark. Spock merely lifted an eyebrow and McCoy deflated as he realized his temper had done nothing but make himself miserable. "Sorry."

"There is no need to apologize, doctor. Although you believe me to have no vices, I will admit to you that I indeed have one when it comes to our captain."

McCoy snorted. "That'll be the day."

"My friendship with Jim is the root from which my other relationships flourish. It is what stabilizes my thoughts and my actions. With it broken as it is now, I am no longer able to relate to Nyota as I should. I am no longer able to restore the balance within my own mind. Dr. McCoy, I have resorted to becoming aimless and blind, reaching for something that is not there."

Spock's raw, revealing expression would haunt McCoy for days later. McCoy stared at him, rueing the day he ever thought the Vulcan cold and heartless. Spock's eyes shuttered as soon as the thought crossed McCoy's mind. The room was hushed, waiting for Spock's painful confession. When the Vulcan spoke again, it at first lacked the emotion of a moment ago but McCoy was not put off. The cool exterior of the Vulcan did not fool McCoy. Spock's next words resounded in McCoy's ears as words dripping with heartache.

"I am thereby becoming cold in my heart as I once was. Without Jim, there is nothing within me that is filled with warmth. I am unfeeling because it is what I must do to survive. That is my vice, doctor."

"This has to work, then. Twelve hour shifts. I'll take the first shift but we'll speak to him together after I take him in his quarters. We'll give him two days, Spock. Two days. The third day, he has to choose. We can't give him more time than that. I don't think he has more time."

"He is unable to eat."

"Yes," McCoy sighed. "And failing miserably to hide it from me."

"It is more than an aversion caused by near starvation, I assume."

"It is. One of the many things that happened on that God-forsaken planet."

"He was but a mere child," Spock whispered so softly, McCoy held his breath to listen. "I have difficulty reconciling the man he is now with the child he was then."

He was right- Jim had seemingly conquered his past in the only way he knew how. Up until now.

"The truth is, Spock, he hasn't reconciled the two, either."

* * *

Two hours later McCoy was already settled beside Jim's bed and waiting when the sedative wore off sooner than expected. Transitioning him to his quarters took time, but soon Jim was comfortable again on his couch.

"Thanks, Bones. What did you have to talk to me about?"

"You. We have to talk about you, Jim."

"About what happened in the shower, right?" Jim sat up, nervously clasping his hands together. "I'll be fine. Therapy is helping."

"It's not helping you," McCoy explained slowly. "You're distant, at times uncontrollable, and you've experienced a mental fallout that requires more help than you're receiving. How can you sit in on your therapy sessions if you're experiencing flashbacks at any given moment?"

"But that's...that's what you told me to do, Bones. Therapy." Jim blinked at him. "I'm doing all you said. I am getting better. Thanks to Spock, those nightmares are gone."

"You are doing what I instructed you, but it's not enough. I talked with headquarters, Jimmy."

Jim's shoulders tensed.

"About what, doctor?" Jim asked quietly, now fixing his eyes to the floor.

"If you are unable to command in a week's time, you are to be admitted in a hospital for further rehabilitation."

"I need more time than that."

"You don't have time, Jimmy. You have days to make a decision. You are not improving. Your mental state is degrading rapidly. You drifted as we brought you up here."

Jim's face darkened. He tripped over his words, revealing that McCoy's suspicions were correct. "I was thinking. I wasn't...I...maybe so but I knew where I was. I saw you both."

"I know, Jimmy. I know." McCoy glanced at Spock. The Vulcan's expression was strained as the fragile balance of Jim's mind was laid bare. Jim wasn't thinking clearly and giving him a few days was indeed pushing it. "We need to decide what's best for you. Our resources here are limited. You need to be admitted to a hospital or..."

"Or, what Bones?" Jim, expression wary, looked immediately at Spock.

"I am willing to perform a mind meld to assist you, Jim."

Jim pressed his lips firmly together and glared at them both. "Haven't we done enough melds? Haven't we?"

"Either you agree to a mind meld in three days time or at the end of the week, you must agree be admitted," McCoy ignored Jim's heated words. "Spock is willing. We know it won't be easy, but there is a good possibility it will help you."

"No. I won't do that to you," Jim stood and faced Spock. "It may not even work. Absolutely not."

"Jim, if you show Spock those specific memories, it may get rid of those problems altogether."

"So now you're telling me it's perfectly fine to have a mind meld and share some of the most atrocious things you've ever heard? I can't even tell Carol, whom I love! Dammit, Bones!" Jim exclaimed and began to pace. "How could anyone handle the same things I've been running from for over a decade?"

"Spock is not just 'anyone,' Jimmy. He's your friend. If you want to be back in command, you're going to have to make that choice, Jim." McCoy said evenly. "I'll be here to back you up in either decision. I know how horrible this is for you. I know what the sacrifice would be for you to open up completely to Spock, let alone them both. More than that, I know that both of them are strong enough to endure what happened to you. They're resilient."

"You can't know that, Bones."

"I do. History shows that Spock will do what is necessary. It also shows us that you are a resilient man yourself, Jim, with unequaled courage and strength."

"Captain, I would never speak a mistruth to you. Trust me when I say that your past cannot break me," Spock said gently. "It will not sever our relationship or any others that you hold dear."

Jim asked sharply. "Three days? That's all the time you're giving me?"

"You are running out of time to make the best decision for yourself."

"I'll do what's best for all of us," Jim straightened. He pulled his shoulders back in the commanding stance Bones had not observed from him in weeks.

McCoy refused to think Jim had already made his decision. Appealing to Jim's friendship, he spoke again. "Don't be hasty, Jim. For our sake, please give yourself until then to make a decision."

The silence heavy, they waited and watched the unreadable expression of their captain.

"Alright, Bones," Jim finally spoke. His voice was laced with steel but McCoy knew what Jim wouldn't admit: that the captain's ability to cope was failing and he no longer had the control he once had. "I'll wait."


End file.
